Got home late last night and slept in this morning which is why this post is late. The animals were so happy to see us. Lulu literally lost her mind. Which made me feel sad for her while we were gone, I wonder how much she thinks about when we are coming back. I mean, I do think animals are capable of thinking that way. And no, I do not care what science may say to the contrary.
As I crawled into bed last night, I found myself so grateful for this life I have. The bed, the house, the kids, the critters, the friends, the family, the job. All of it. The whole package. But as I drifted off to sleep last night, I felt at home within myself and that is something that was long absent in my life.
I do not want to be anyone else today. And I am not even in charge of who I am or how I am perceived today by others. They feel and think what they do, and that is really none of my business.
What I really felt, and feel today, is that I am at home with myself. Whether I am in Maui, or on a plane home, or at my actual home, I feel ok inside. And that is a relatively new feeling for me. I always kind of felt like a captive in my own mind, like for the love of God, someone please come take me away from me! And while most people get over that quickly in early recovery, I did not. This feeling that I was not ok with me, has been a last gasper, a hold out. That has plagued me and dogged every footfall into my future self and life.
But as I slipped away last night into sleep in my very comfy bed, I realized that I was actually at home with me and that made everything else better. The house and home are better, the friends and family better, the stuff surrounding me, better. Not because it has really changed all that much, but because I have changed, from the inside out.
My home is my sanctuary and now my body and mind a temple to worship in, a place to draw inward and reflect, no longer a war zone I pray to be rescued from. I am not sure exactly how I got here, but I am grateful to be at home wherever I go with myself. And that is about the best feeling I have ever had in my life. I am grateful to literally be back home and to finally have that inner peace that allows me to live comfortably in my own skin one day at a time.