A Work in Progress...
Fuck I hate that. Really I do. It feels as if all this time that I have been working on myself, that I should be further along. That I should have more shit figured out, most especially in my love life, parenting life and in intimate relationships. And I do not. I am not all better, and I have a very hard time accepting that I never will be. And then doing the very hard thing of not giving up and throwing up my hands with a giant sigh, that relieves me of further obligation of doing the work OR beating myself senseless for the real and perceived deficiencies of my being.
It feels, daily, that it is a perilous walk through life working towards healing the past, recognizing my part, doing the hard work to right both while also enjoying the life that I am so privileged to have. I am not all better, and I am never going to be. And for me, this is really hard to accept. I want to be all better. I want to do the right thing for the right reason, all the time. But I don’t. I can’t seem to. And that is just the way it is.
I have walked through a great deal of my life apologizing for my being, even when who I am in that moment is really ok, maybe not to you, but to me. I allow others perceptions, real and imagined, to control my enjoyment of my own life. And somehow, thereby absolving me landing anywhere solid. I am still fucked up so no enjoyment there, and I am doing the best I can but it is never enough, so no enjoyment there. It is a trap that I set for myself, casting others as the jailers but really, it has always been me. I am the one that does it. I am the one that sets the trap for myself, every single time. And at this point, it is just how I live life.
But in my more God centered moments, I can see that even as I bemoan and regret all the things that I am currently doing and have done in the past that fall way short of my ideal, my principles, my integrity, I am and will continue to be a work in progress. There is growth in this struggle, and I am proof that life moves forward, in-spite of myself often.
There is no destination where I have it all figured out. And there is no day that is going to come where I feel like I am all better, because I am committed to always calling myself out on the shit that I do that falls short of who and what I want to be. So it is always going to be a crap shoot. Always. Daily.
My sponsor told me this morning that I have trouble with being happy. That for some reason being happy terrifies me. And even though I don’t want to admit it, I think she is right. I think that I feel like I don’t deserve happiness, not daily, over weeks and months and years. Happiness for me is in moments. And to ask for more than momentary happiness feels like too big of an ask. And arrogant.
It is hard to walk through life, seeing, avoiding, seeing anyway the character defects operating in my life resulting in shortcomings. To then be surrendered to the lot that this is just my life. And it is a good one, filled with purpose, meaning, love and laughter. And my inability to really enjoy that is an inside job, which is just another manifestation of yet another shortcoming of mine.
So what to do?
Keep going I guess. Keep being willing to see that I am doing my best while at the very same time, fucking shit up and robbing myself of enjoyment in my life. No one thinks about me as much as me. And that is a very good thing. I need not continue to live as if I am on trial for everything that I do and think and feel. That I can be happy, content even, while continuing to be a work in progress. Understanding that I am never going to arrive at that magical destination where I have it all figured out. Healed completely from the past, its traumas, damage and deep grooves. But I cannot completely succumb to my dis-ease either. I cannot let myself off the proverbial hook. Because that is sure to cause a spiral of epic proportions of which I likely will not survive.
So where to find peace with all of this. In the moment. Today, I have been instructed on the hour, to look at my watch and be happy. And so I will endeavor to do just that. To notice all the times that I am awake on the hour, and to savor that I am sober, relatively sane, doing my best even though it falls short of where I would like and wish to be, and able to be present for this life right here, right now. The future will take care of itself somehow. My journey, always, is to do my best, while also holding myself accountable to growing, admitting the hard stuff, and then doing the spiritual work required to address all that I can currently see, so that in the future, I may be able to do the work required there.
This is how I have made it this far. Being willing to be a work in progress, even when all that I am wants to be done, finished, completed, better. And stopping the constant and incessant drive to make you think that I am better than I am. I am human and this idea that somehow, someday I will arise above that state, unattainable and truthfully, incredibly arrogant.
Pain. Growth. Joy.
That is the path. Always. Still. And I will try today to do my best to walk humbly along with the grace that I am better than I have ever been and I will never be done with the work. And that is the best gift I have ever been given, the desire to do better while being blessed with the ability to see when I am not, in fact, doing better.
Hard road to walk for sure. But trudging (moving forward with purpose) is all I got. And just for today it is enough...