Abandonment...

It is a real thing.  I know many people who live in a constant state of anxiety and fear about someone they love leaving them.  Childhood wounds that really decimate ones ability to relax and enjoy a relationship.  Imagine how hard it would be to just have fun and chill, when you are constantly in this flight or fight hyperarousal because every day you are upset and worried that this person you love is going to leave you.  Not fun.  Not fun for the other person either.  It is a problematic dynamic for sure.

And there are definitely people who have lost themselves to parents who left, checked out with drugs and alcohol or actually killed themselves.  These are life long wounds that are not easily healed.  These people who were abandoned, truly, have a lot of emotional heavy lifting to do...otherwise, if they don’t do the work, they will continue to set up situations where they force the other person to leave.  And often they will never see that they play a part in it.  So cruel that a wound that was not caused by them at all, it was totally about this other person’s deal, but then they spend the rest of their lives creating situations that repeat the pattern because of a wound that was left by this other person, who didn’t likely want to give them that wound, just that their own wound required it.

I write shit like that and I have this overwhelming sense that we are all doomed.  

But then, I remember the resilience of the human spirit and our ability to heal.  It isn’t easy, most especially to heal from childhood trauma, but it is possible.  Sadly, a lot of us have to spend some time reliving these wounds of others, as if they are ours, to get to a place where we too feel like exiting is the only way to block the emotional pain of life.  And then, if we are lucky, we get to recover and heal and spend the rest of our lives reconnecting our neural pathways and healing that which was likely never ours to begin with...

Often, though, abandonment was never something someone else gave us.  We were not abandoned by others (at least not in the usual sense), but we live in a fearful state nevertheless.  And we do this because we have been unable to not abandon ourselves.  We learned early and often that walking away from ourselves in favor of others and their agendas was the pathway forward.  And we became so used to abandoning ourselves in an attempt to convince others not to abandon us that we are, in fact, abandoned repeatedly.

I know for me, I was not abandoned by others.  But I learned that me picking you over me, got me places I wanted to go. I learned my value was something you gave to me and I accepted.  And so I have set myself up to be abandoned a lot in this life because I kept expecting people who gave me value to honor that value.  But value assigned by others is not actual value.  It is a subtle manipulation, really.

I have abandoned myself in this life so often I stopped counting.  It was depressing and overwhelming.  I, instead, began to work on finding my own value in my own life and that greatly helped me arrive at this other place where the value I feel and have rests within me, not subject to the winds of you.  It has been a process and I really think I should be further along.

But no matter, at least I see it.  I see all the ways I fail to show up for myself and instead set up situations for you.  And once I saw that, I could not unsee it.  I may never eradicate all the ways I abandon myself to garner your favor, but at least today, I see it and try to do it differently.

It is not easy to be true to yourself, at least in my experience.  I have so much respect for people who are just who they are and seem to have no need to be something else in order to fit in better or be more well liked.  While I grow towards a me that is just me all the time, it isn’t easy, it isn’t natural and takes a great deal of effort.  I care way too much about way too many things.  And it is hard to change that.  But that doesn’t stop me from trying and failing and trying again.

I see that I abandon myself today. I see many of the ways I do it and I try to stay accountable with myself.  It isn’t always easy, and not a great deal of fun but at least I am doing things differently.  And I know the problem, it isn’t you.  Which is the best news ever.  It is me.  I do this to myself, again, still.  But I am getting better at seeing all the ways I do it and all the ways I have changed.  Inventory is one of the best skills I have ever learned.  An honest appraisal of myself about myself.  Not always a great time but the fruits of that labor produce sweet, lasting results.

Today I do a better job of picking me over you. And my value is something I assign to myself.  You are largely eliminated from the equation, which often, leads me to wonder why I am engaging with some various yous at all.  Which has led me to some pretty brutal but life altering conclusions.  And a great deal more space in my life for people who see my value and worth and just want to put forth the effort to be in my life.

Seeing all the ways I abandon myself in your favor wasn’t a great deal of fun, but the payoff has been life affirming and wonderful.  Seeing isn’t always believing, but seeing does afford one the opportunity to adjust course.

Again, still...