Abandonment...

We hear about it a lot today, mostly in the “I have abandonment issues” vein.  But I think we are missing something important.  I think abandonment is a huge issue for us as humans but we have been focusing, as usual, on the wrong thing. Sure other people abandoned us and it leaves its mark.  And we need to heal from those wounds left by others...but the greater wound is the ones where we abandoned ourselves.  

And this self abandonment usually starts with a feeling of lack of worth BECAUSE someone else left us.  Our dad left, our mom gave us up, our Husband cheated, our Wife fell in love with someone else, our boyfriend turned out to be gay, our girlfriend was married to her career and had no time for us.  And these are often betrayals and abandonment. But it is the story that we tell ourselves about the other person’s reasons for leaving us that level us throughout our lives. 

Most of the time, in my experience, we take things quite personally when they really have nothing to do with us, whatsoever.  Most people leave us because of them, not us.  They want something different, they need something different, they fall in love with someone else, they realize they were not honest with themselves from the word go and so therefore, they have lacked integrity with us even though that was never their intention.  People leave us because they do.  And most often, especially when they tell us it is all our fault, it rarely is.  Relationships, by definition, required mutual effort, commitment, intensity, drive and fortitude.  All relationships that lack the ability to find an adjustable equilibrium will fail eventually.  Whether we leave them or not, is questionable.  Many of us stay in unhealthy unions for, well ever.  Although I think the times are changing and people are refusing to stay in things that don’t nourish them, support them or care for them in far greater number than ever before.  Which has its upsides, but also, separation, loss and loneliness are at an all time high.

I think the story we tell ourselves is completely optional.  What we lack ,to tell ourselves a better story, is knowledge and self awareness.  We live in a world where we are condition to take things personally, to become offended,  to take umbrage with other people’s conduct.  And then we write ourselves into their stories even though our starring role in that particular drama is nothing we want.

Children who are adopted come to mind here.  I have never met a child who was adopted who doesn’t have some self esteem issues around this issue.  “Why didn’t they want me?  Why was I not worthy of being kept?  Why didn’t they love me?”  And those are all plausible questions.  But couldn’t we just as easily fill in the blanks in this manner? 

Maybe they wanted you but they could not keep you, provide for you.  Perhaps their own issues prevented them from providing you with much of anything in this life except abuse, neglect and pain. 

You WERE worthy of being kept which is why they put you with someone who was worthy of you.  Someone who could love you and show up for you and be there for you in ways they could not.  Perhaps they had no choice in the matter, perhaps they were young and tricked or older and scared. 

And to me, giving up a child has to be the most selfless act of all.  Your love for the child surpasses our natural selfishness to raise our own.  People who give their children up for adoption have to love the child more because they are finding a place for the child that is better than what they could provide.  And sometimes the shame that comes along with the analysis that you are not good enough for your own child, is life lasting.

I know, for me, the abandonment I experienced with others only came after I walked away from me first.  My truths, my truer self.  I sold me out and then got really pissed off later on when they left me too.  I cannot come up with one experience in my life where this is not true, save one.  And I can see that the one experience where I was abandoned and hurt that I did not sell myself out before, set the stage for me to sell myself out and wholesale abandon me for the rest of my life.  It was all about the story I told myself to make sense of behavior this other person engaged in that had absolutely nothing to do with me.  I was a means to an end.  That is all.  It was never about me.  It was always about them.  But I told myself a story that was I was selected because there was something wrong with me, because I was bad or wrong, or there was some inherent flaw within that deserved the treatment I got.  And I can see now, many years later, I got picked and hurt because I was there.  I was convenient.  I was present and this other person was psychotic.  That is all.  It had nothing to do with me, ever.  It was always about them.  And the biggest mistake of my life was ever believing that it was ever about me.

We like to be the central characters in our own lives.  And we have this tendency to make ourselves more important in the lives of others than we really are.  That is why when people leave us, we think it is because of us they left.

In order to stop fearing and experiencing the abandonment of others, we have to stop abandoning ourselves.  It is always about us leaving us.  Never really about them leaving us.  When I remain steadfastly committed to Erin and showing up for her in all the ways, all the times, the earth beneath my life becomes solid and unwavering.  And I can only do this when I learn to be still with myself, show up for myself, be here now with me.  The home I seek is within me and once I find it, only then can I truly share it with another.  And until I find it, all my attempts to share it will likely fail.

Our work is here in this life for us to do.  And we cannot alter the tasks we have been divinely assigned.  They are ours, always.  Our best use of this life is to accept our stuff and move forward.  Having our own back and knowing that abandonment is more about the stories we tell ourselves about other people’s treatment of us then the treatment ever is.

And there are no guarantees, we can do all the work in the world on us, and other people are still going to have their own shit that causes them to leave. Our work isn't do to prevent other people from leaving us, instead our work is to ensure that we don't leave ourselves before, during or after they do what they do. Our primary relationship is and always will be with ourselves, and perhaps it is time we stop behaving as if this isn't true.

Again, still...