Alignment...

Tricky business, this whole alignment thing.  Kinda feels like humility, if you think you have it, you don’t.

I feel like I have been walking through some sort of reckoning for the past several months.  Moving through a great many changes.  My life being altered in ways I didn’t expect and didn’t necessarily understand.  But I am ok with the outcome.  It is all good, even though it has been hard and painful.

I mostly feel like I was on some sort of default path, which wasn’t bad for me, but it wasn’t good for me either.  Actually, that is false, it was bad for me.  It just was.  I wasn’t happy for well over a year.  I felt trapped though.  And the universe, who always seems to have my back, even when it is completely dismantling my life as it currently stands, knew it was time to push me.  Force me into a few changes.

I feel now like what has been happening is a great aligning.  I had these plans over here, with these other loose plans, ideas really of some things I would like to do but lacked sufficient time and energy to actually do those things.  Now I have ample time to be still and think and create.  Not working has been the thing that has allowed me time to heal my neck pain (hopefully, not sure if this is just going to be a permanent condition or whether the down time will allow me to heal, hoping for the later) and begin to ask hard questions about what I want for my future.

I can feel my world falling into place.  I am not scared.  I am not worried.  I am just here, doing the next indicated thing and taking tentative steps forward on the path that keeps appearing in front of me...

I have no idea how it will all turn out.  But I do feel like my insides match my outsides.  I am in congruence with myself, the way I am living and my spiritual practice.  That feels really good.  I feel like I am inhabiting my own life.  I feel like I am present, doing all the things I need to take care of myself with a great deal of time to just be.  I haven’t had that in a long time...Always too much to do and too little time to do it in...

Alignment can be painful but it can also feel wonderful.  It can feel like something amazing is happening.  Like the dawning of a new day.  A great opening to something wonderful.  It is an exciting time in my life right now.  In a very quiet and easy way.  I am happier than I have been in a long time and feel settled in a way that doesn’t feel like settling, but instead feels like an awakening.  Things that no longer serve me or support me or have outlived their usefulness have been removed.  I didn’t completely see that coming, but now that it has, I am so very grateful.  So like me to cling to something that is killing me and call it living.

I am walking through the biggest grief of my life.  Loosing my dad has been life altering, sad and has changed me in ways that I cannot really put to words just yet. This foundational relationship that was fraught with issues for the whole of my life, has now concluded and it is like I am now freed up to have a different relationship with him that was not possible when he was alive and here.  I can’t explain it better than that.  I am still working it all out.

I absolutely feel like my car when it is out of alignment and pulls hard to one side.  Fighting just to keep it on the road is a struggle.  But now that I have had it aligned, well now it is easy to drive and doesn’t require all that effort!  Obstacles that I called something else have been removed and the highway of my life is now debris free and encouraging of forward momentum...

I do not think it is an accident that all the planets just aligned as well on Saturday. All of them, in a row. I mean if that doesn't seem like universal approval and grace, I am not sure what would. I am not sure how the planets felt being all lined up, but for me, it feels really fucking good. When I think of all the cosmic shit that had to happen to accomplish this feat of alignment, makes it seem like aligning my life is way easier.

Again, still...