I used to think that I needed to know what was going to happen, to have a plan, to have an idea about where I was going...I needed to get out in front of life and guide it, which is really just a fancy way to say that I had control issues. What I really wanted was to manipulate the situation, people to bend to my will...”guiding life” sounds so much better!
But I was most interested and preoccupied with getting my way. Sad, but true. I saw people, especially men, as pawns in my chess game of life. I wanted you to do what I wanted, give me what I needed and then get out of my way...to be brutally honest. Your needs and desires were far less important then me getting what I wanted and needed.
I would love to say that I have recovered...and I have...sort of. I get a daily reprieve from myself, if I put spiritual principles first. If I don’t, well, then the above is what you get. Which is really just addict behavior...daily.
It occurs to me at mid-life that I have been trying to live lifetimes in days and days in lifetimes. Perhaps, and I know this to be true, that the most wonderful and amazing way to live life is one day at a time. And hasn’t the pandemic really drilled this home? All of our fancy vacations and plans down the drain...all to help us see that this moment right here, this one right now is the most important one we are ever going to have. Because it is the precursor to all other moments yet to come.
I have had the pleasure recently of reconnecting with someone super important to me. Every time we used to spend time together, I was always anxious about the next time, desperately wanting more, always. Today, I am super grateful for every single second I get. I completely understand that every time we part, it could be and might be the last time. I do not know why this sense is so acute with this person, I just know that I feel it most acutely with them. I also know that because of my connection with this person, that I am getting more in the moment awareness with others. I love them all but seems as though the universe got my attention with this one person, then is using them to help me wake up to my relationships and their value with others. No wasted energy in the divine world...
I am not going to get everything I need for my life’s journey today, but I can begin to see my life on a kind of universal installment plan. I get out what I need today and can have faith that I will get what I need tomorrow, not what I want, but need. Amazing how much lighter my relationships feel with this in mind. I am good, really, right here and right now.
A good friend reminded me today that I am all I need today. I don’t need to anticipate or plan how I am going to feel tomorrow or even later today. I don't to be more of this and less of that. My life is not suddenly better if I am thinner, cooler and younger (as if any of that can actually happen in a day!). If I let myself off the hook about this, I can also do this with others. You don’t have to love me forever, just for today. You don’t have to like me forever, just for today. We don’t have to sign a death pact today for the rest of our lives, we can just be present with each other and love each other and feel all the feelings that come up today...tomorrow we will be given new ideas, feelings, skills and tools to deal with whatever lovely or horrific thing happens tomorrow. Being upset about what might happen or could happen or what I am afraid of might happen ruins this moment right here AND perhaps the day that is coming.
If I am allowed to change how I feel and orient it towards the moment, perhaps I can allow others to do this also...they are, after all, doing the same thing that I am doing every single day, trying to show up for this life and find a little purpose, a little comfort and a little love. Perhaps my greatest and most amazing life is lived right here, right now as I write all this shit down while sitting in the sun on my deck in my bikini. So grateful that I get to work from home so that I can step out on my lunch hour and take a real breath and tilt my face to the sun and savor this life, as it is, with nothing promised or lacking, right here, right now. I have all that I need in this day and that is enough.
I am coming to terms that so much of my life is lived out there in the future or the past. I miss so much of my life planning and manipulating and how very revolutionary it is to take all my relationships, every single one of them, back to today. Today is when I can evaluate what is working for me. Today is when I can work to be present and accountable. Today is where I can love you and let you love me.
In the immortal words of Tracy Chapman:
“Love promised for days to come, is as good as none.”
We live, we love, we hurt, we heal, right here in this day...or not. Tomorrow is not promised, so why do we live like it is?
Today, I am amazingly grateful for all that I have right now and I need nothing else, right now. I am sure in about 20 minutes I am going to need a Diet Coke or a cookie (except I am off sugar three days now...so look out!). But if I commit to living my life in each moment as it comes, I know what to do with craving, aversion and denial...I can just ride them out because they always, always pass... And in those moments when I forget, and I forget all the damn time, I can breathe in and out and trust the divine force that I saw as I stood watching the night time sky bleed into day.