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Am I Ready?

This is a question that I have never, ever asked myself...I was born ready. I have always thought myself ready for anything and if you looked at how I lived my life, I have acted like I was. But in truth, I have never, ever thought about readiness. I have always, forever jumped into whatever was in front of me, or being asked of me and swam.

It never occurred to me that perhaps that particular day I didn’t want to swim, wasn’t ready to swim or had other things that were a priority over swimming. Someone provided an opportunity to swim, so I swam.

I am in a new place today. I have been decidedly on the dock, and not swimming. I have been getting ready although I am not sure it is for swimming. I mean, swimming is nice and all and I do plan to swim again but maybe not today...

Going back to the readiness issue...

It occurs to me now that I have jumped into a lot to things in my life without a single thought about being ready. I could provide you a very long list of things that I leapt into and not one of them was there any real preparation for or readiness.

What is it about me that seemingly refuses to do the work to prepare myself for what is to come next?

I am not sure - I just seem to be a leap before you look kind of girl. I have been lucky because it has all turned out quite well for me in the end, well up to the present moment, which I really hope is not the end...

I guess what I am trying to say is that I seem to have missed the whole of my life, asking myself the question about whether or not I am ready to take on certain things. I have always gotten new pets without a plan, thought or real interest in whether or not all of me really wants a new pet. I have moved, relocated, bought a new house and lots of other purchases without ever asking myself whether or not I am ready to make a certain move. I just moved, then sorted it all out later. Never really regretting moving, because I can always see the lesson I got in making the move.

Last February I was there again. I wanted to move to San Francisco. I was selling my house and trying to buy another one here in Ojai and it looked like the deal on the one that I wanted to buy was going to fall through, so I got a wild hair and decided that I would like to totally shake up my entire life. Sell my house, move myself, my daughter, her horse and get a big job in San Francisco...

But what happened was that I realized that I wasn’t ready. For any of it. I didn’t sell my house. I didn’t move. I didn’t get a new job. I just stayed still and allowed all of that, whatever that was, to just pass me by. I didn’t jump in, I just allowed it all to whip me into the usual frenzy, then I just allowed it all to just slip away.

Today, I am so grateful for realizing that I wasn’t ready. I do not want to live in San Francisco. It is a nice place but I have no real desire to live there. I’m not ready to move, sell my house or leave Ojai. I am content right where I am which is a new feeling for me.

I realized last night that I have now lived in my current home longer than I have ever lived under any roof in my whole life. Four and half years. Out of 51 years, I have only been stationary twice in my life for 4.5 years. Once when I was 9, and again at 46. I see a lot of moving and shaking, but very little readiness as I look back. I just went and made the best of it. Not a bad way to live life, but it was without clear intention and with almost no readiness.

I am not sure what readiness even looks like but I have at least begun to ask myself the question. Which is a big step for someone who always jumps in and figures out if it is safe to swim there later...

I think, well I am pretty sure, that readiness and safety have something to do with each other. That readiness is the groundwork for feeling safe. And I have done a shitty job of providing myself a stable base to feel safe. But that is changing...

Today, I am not ready for a lot of things. And that is ok. Apparently I am supposed to be right where I am, doing exactly what I am doing, and that is preparing me for what is to come next. I am spending all of this time in the hallway, because I am going to need the skills I am developing out here (patience, trust, faith) for whatever it is that comes next for me.

I am also seeing that perhaps readiness is something you gain by helping others do the same, make the changes, prepare the ground for the new growth. Today, I am not ready for anything like I used to think I was. I am ready for this day to unfold and that is about all. I am ready to check in with myself throughout the day and be honest about what I find no matter how unlovely the feeling may be. I am ready to be of service to others by taking care of myself spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally. I am ready to show up at my job and be of service to those I work with and for. I am ready to be a parent to these kids and give them what they need from me, while refusing to cripple them by doing too much. Today, I am ready for the day that comes, whatever it may bring. And I know this because I did the work yesterday to lay a good foundation for today’s growth.

Being born ready, I am learning, is probably a motto best left to the military. I do better when I do not just assume that I am ready for anything...and instead do the footwork to lay a daily foundation for conscious living. Perhaps, that is all that will ever be asked of me in this life, to be present here and now and whatever comes will provide me what I need to be ready for what comes next. My only real challenge is to just stop jumping in, and give life a minute. So if you see me jumping up and down over here, pay no attention, I am just trying to burn off some of that impulsivity that has always caused me to jump before I am really ready. It might look funny from a far but I can promise you however it might look is way better than how it feels...readiness as it turns out, is a highly evolved thing that often looks a bit crazy from the outside. Nevertheless, it is readiness in the making all the same.

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