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An Ever Evolving Life

I did a hard thing yesterday. In truth, I do a lot of hard things, pretty much every day. And I am mostly grateful for the hard, it makes me appreciate the easier, more pleasant tasks of life.

My hard thing yesterday went well. I think the other party and I are both relieved. Our past relationship no longer dictating the present one. We will see where it goes from here, a lot to consider, a lot to think and feel about.

So much is coming at me right now, I feel a bit distracted and disjointed. I am a bit overwhelmed but mostly in a good way. I see the joy and the happiness in pretty much all of it. There are always blessings within the curse, sometimes you just have to look harder than you would like to find them.

Truth be told, I have felt stalled out for a long time. Life was the same every day, and there were some major parts of it that were hard and challenging. And for the most part, two of the hardest are now being resolved. Or at least appear that they are. And this is while other areas of my life, my parent’s health and well being is not going so well.

Everything is always coming together and falling apart. Always. I am learning, however slowly, that it really matters what you focus on...

My son is coming home for his first home visit since last August and we are both so excited about it! I am nervous too but mostly excited. He seems to have turned that corner that he desperately needed to turn...fingers crossed.

The other area of my life needs to stay a bit in the shadows for now. I will talk more openly about it when it is resolved. But I am liking the trajectory of that as well. Trusting that all will be well. Because I am willing to do the work to make it good for me.

Lately, I sometimes feel like I have to pinch myself that this is my life. I sometimes feel like the other shoe is going to fall but then I realize that that is really old thinking. I no longer believe that everything is great or awful. Life is just precarious and unpredictable and that is just life. There really are no shoes falling all over the place. It is just life evolving sometimes with things I love and like and other times with things that are painful and hard. It is always just life.

What is different today is me. I am wholly changed. I am a more evolved version of myself. I have allowed all the things to shape me, not control me. I am not resisting life, the hard pointy parts or rolling around in the happy like a dog rolls on dead things. I finally realized that no matter how much I try to get the happy stink to remain, it doesn’t, and not everyone appreciates the smell.

Today, I am just here living life one moment at a time, doing my best to serve others and enjoy my process along the way. I did a hard thing yesterday. And it was good regardless of how it turns out. I am grateful for all of it. The result is the least important aspect...really.

Evolution is always a process. The trouble is that we can’t really see the markers as they are happening. We only see the trajectory when we span it out over time. But make no mistake, it is occurring minute by minute, day by day. And that brings me peace and comfort and security knowing that if I just keep doing the deal, I will someday soon be able to see my own evolution.

And those days where you can see your own growth, those are great days. I marvel at who I have become. This version of myself that always felt so out of reach. That felt so out there...she is not. She is here, doing the deal, regardless of whether it suits her or not. She is here, living, breathing, loving, liking, hurting, breaking every single minute.

I think the hardest thing I have ever done is occupy my own life. To be present, here to do the work to inhabit the skin I am in. It never seemed like a worthwhile seemed like a lot of painful work that led me nowhere. But right now, I can see that all the things add up to the place where they are happening for me. Not so that I get a better life, but so that I can become who I am supposed to be, so that I can serve God and others better.

And that is just fine by me. I like evolution, I always have, I just had a hard time slowing down long enough to see it happening. Today, I am grateful that I trust that growth is happening even though it sometimes looks like it is falling apart...

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