Yep, I am there...AGAIN!
I came home yesterday and was greeted with the reality of my past. All of my past choices, laid bare in front of me. The wreckage of my past, which has become my present because of my unwillingness to deal with my past. I keep placing bandaids on gaping flesh wounds. I keep doing this.
I KEEP DOING THIS.
I KEEP DOING THIS!
I want to say that yesterday was enough emotional pain and strife to make me change, but I have been here before and I can see, that I change just enough so that I don’t have to change. I do this. Other people do this. And I have to stop. I can’t make them stop. I can only make me stop. I think.
I am not even sure if I can stop. So mired in this past manner of behaving, this allowing people to treat me with disrespect and take me for granted, get super pissed then allow things to return to the way they were, only to repeat the pattern, over and over and over and over again.
I want to tell you that I am done...DONE!
DONE!
But that is what I always say and I am, so far at least, NEVER FUCKING DONE!
I am just sad and upset and angry and then I allow the pattern to repeat because I think on some level, changing, really changing, means that I will have to confront what I have not wanted to confront, me.
My inability to maintain my own back. To act as a gate keeper in my own life to people, beings who would rather take than give. For me to work so very hard to show these takers how worthy I am of their love, their support, their appreciation. But it is a set up. They are only here to benefit off my efforts, I am not important to them. I am only there to be used up and then cast aside when I have served my purpose.
That felt really victimy for a long time. And it was, and I was stuck in an endless loop. Choosing and allowing people in my life that were takers, showing me that was who they were, and then lying to myself about who and what they were. Repeatedly.
Now, the old me would call me an idiot. Stupid. Dumb. But I am not those things, never have been. What I am is caught in a trauma spiral, an old wound that keeps repeating because I think that it is others who must change. If I can just get ____ to see my worth, if I can just get _____ to appreciate me, if I can just get _______ to see my value...then....
The great THEN.
Then what?
I mean what the fuck do I really think then is going to bring me?
So far, just more of the same. More then...
The then, isn’t ever different, my approach, feelings, conduct, all the same, which assures that I am going to get the same thing every single fucking time.
FUCK!
FUCK ME!
FUCK THIS!
FUCK THEN!
I am not done, I am just beginning. Beginning a new way of living, and behaving and engaging. What I am going to do, is do this differently. Taking shit, then getting pissed about it, then getting all bent out of shape has done nothing to make the situation better. To my own detriment...
TO MY OWN DETRIMENT...REPEATEDLY.
Well, what I am done with, is being an instrument of my own self destruction. That I am really done with. So in that vein, I am going to be different. I am going to allow the chips to fall where they may. I am going to take care of myself, making no apologies if ______ doesn’t like it. Doesn’t understand it. Doesn’t support it.
I want to be different. So I must change. I have to do different to get different.
This may not be pretty.
This may be painful to watch.
I am likely going to over do it and under do it with the wrong things, overdoing the stuff I should have under done and underdoing the stuff I should have overdone.
But it will be a beginning. It is a start. I will likely get it wrong, frequently, until I begin to find any kind of rightness. I am ok with that.
I make no apologies for it.
Life is a great unfolding of lessons. Some lovely. Some painful. Yesterday’s lesson so incredibly hurtful but I see how I positioned myself in a place where I was destined to be hurt. The pattern I helped create, repeated.
And I can go on for days being all pissed off about it but that is just part of the endless cycle that keeps me stuck.
And today, what I want more than anything else is to be different.
So I will.
Starting right fucking now...
Here goes everything!
