I have had this weird relationship with being heard and seen my whole life. And it is weird because I have wanted two completely divergent things: to be seen and heard and to be left alone. And, I can tell you after 53 years of trying, you can’t have both.
I think I have never really wanted to be left alone, but instead, I wanted to be seen and heard from and then not maligned for what I was or said. That is not possible...I see that now. Every time I open my mouth, or show up somewhere, someone is going to have something to say about it and I am not in control, of whether that is nice or not.
So what I think I have really wanted is acceptance, perhaps adoration, love? I have been at this for some time, and I can’t tell you even now exactly what it is...I just want to be me, and not have people revile me.
But that is not possible either. When we don our actual selves, with all their not so glorious parts, and go out into the world, people are not going to like us, people are going to talk shit about us and people are going to misunderstand, misattribute and malign us...it is just how it goes. People tend to be small minded, concerned with others and what and how they are doing far more than they are concerned with improving themselves, reaching higher, above the pettiness fray. That has been my experience.
And I am not casting myself above that fray, Lord knows I have engaged many times. But I have worked on it. And I really do attempt to avoid talking shit about people, and when others do it in my presence, I try to change the subject or I simply walk away. I am not friends anymore with people who trash talk others. I do not sit in judgment of people who have done things, in a public way, that would be embarrassing if done in private. Instead, I hold my hand over my heart and say, "me too, I have done stuff like that too...and it hurt like hell."
And I have done the inner work, because I do not enjoy how it feels to have it done to me. I don’t completely get it. I want everyone I know, really, every single person I know or have met to win at life. I want them to be happy, well, secure, safe. I want them to be loved and loving. I want all those good things for them and when they get them there isn’t one bone in my body that wishes it were me instead of them. Their path is their path. And I have mine and it is folly to wish something for yourself that is just not on your path. So much misery comes from that, instead, I have worked very hard to accept my own path, and to find a way to love it. To enjoy it, to cull and cultivate it. It is, after all, mine. My life is a curation, and so is yours.
I started publishing my writing to become one with myself. To tell the truth about all the jangled, misanthropic things about myself. Because I know that I am not the only one who has fear, sex issues, relational problems, intimacy obstacles, financial woes, love longing and a tendency to seek solutions where only problems can be found. So I started writing and publishing because I wanted to opt in with humanity, to own my own and to share in yours. To be seen and heard.
I am some four years later on this journey with you and have no idea how many of you read my daily drivel. Whomever you are, thank you! And those of you who leave nice comments, really thank you! It makes me happy when I learn that something I said resonated with you, made you feel seen, heard or better. Today I am so grateful for writing. In fact, it is my preferred mode of communication. If you really want to impress me, write me a letter, or in today’s world, even a text. I am so much better with the written word, than the spoken. So much gets lost for me in the pressure of immediate presence. I prefer to have a little thought time in communication as it turns out.
As 2023 draws to a close, I begin to evaluate and re-evaluate my life and how I am living it. And I have come up with a few things...I will be out and about less in 2024, I intend to spend more time writing and living and spending time in nature, alone. Or with my daughter. I feel the need to slow it all down and cherish the days, the lovely days that are filled with a life that is so incredibly grateful to be here. I intend to travel to quiet places and relish in the sanctuary of peaceful abiding.
So I shall perhaps be seen less, but make no mistake there will be more words on screens, because that is the natural result for me after spending time alone...I have this compulsion to tell you all about it...I must, I have to. It is just too great to hold it all inside me.
And if you are one of those who doubts my intentions, then this is for you...I want the best for all of us, everyone, no exceptions. If you love me, if you hate me, if you just wish I would shut up, if you envy me, if you think that I should be further along, if you sit in judgment, I have released all of that and found a place in my heart and mind where you are dearly loved. And that is perhaps the most selfish act I have ever done, because I do it for me. Being at odds with you, makes me less peaceful and I am all done with that. So say what you are going to say, do what you are going to do...I want no part in that. Instead, what I wish for us all is to find a way to live in harmony with ourselves, aligning our will with a more Divine purpose and to seek to see and be seen as we truly are. To stand naked and unafraid of all the haters and their judgment.
Because that is what must be done to be truly seen. To stand bare with your scars and insecurities and remain undaunted by this task - to live your life fitting yourself to be of maximum service to those about you and to whatever you deem holy. For me that is my friends, my family, my pets, my writing, myself. Yes, I am holy. And it is almost criminal that it took me this long to figure that out. But I have also learned that you a holy too...and that changed everything.
