It is such a dumb thing to do. Really. It is subjective. My perfect doesn’t look like your perfect at all. Likely not even a little bit.
So why do we all chase it? This thing that seems so other set but is always a moving a target because perfection, not unlike beauty, lies in the eye of the beholder?
I think, that for me, I have believed there was some place in time and place in life that I could get all of my shit together. That I could be the “right” weight, the “right” kind of cool, make the “perfect” amount of money, have the “right” career, fall in love with the “right” man, raise kids that were honorable and righteous. I could live in the "right" house, with the "right" furniture. I could be perfect...even if it was only for myself. Meeting my own definition of perfection.
And I have and I haven’t. I have come to know that even my own yard stick changes. What I believe to be the perfect body has changed and continues to evolve. What I believe to be the perfect man has (thank fucking God) evolved. What I believe to be the perfect anything has changed fundamentally and continues to do so.
Also, I think this chasing perfection has fostered one of my grossest defects of character...more. Seeking more. Never being satisfied with what I have. Always chasing more, and more and more. And chasing perfection as a way of life, helps one to never really have to deal with this issue of forever being discontented with what I have right now, and who I am right now.
As I have mentioned, lots of change has happened in the last few months. Like tons. My relationships are changing at an alarming rate...but even with all the upheaval, I find myself more content with less. Less people is equaling less drama, less effort and less time that I have to spend trying to meet the needs of everyone else in my life.
It seems fitting to me that as I age, the ravenous hunger for more is waning. I worry less and less about perfection. If you see me at the gym you will know what I mean. I would have never in a million years gone without makeup in the same looking clothes as the day before...I mean who am I kidding? I wouldn’t have even gone to the gym even a year ago because I was too busy trying to be perfect at work. So I had no time for the gym. I was busy perfecting work...except I wasn’t.
I feel like less is a good counterbalance to perfection. I mean, less really does put it all in perspective, doesn’t it?
I am tired. Really. I still have a lot of energy but I can feel myself slowing down, and caring less and less what my life looks like to others and instead focusing on how it feels to me. And I will say that it feels good, even when there are areas of my life where I am sad, scared or unsure.
Chasing perfection, I can see now, is really a fool’s errand. Because even if I were to attain it for myself, no one else would agree and there will forever be someone telling me, “Hey you need to change this or that or fucking everything!”
I also think that chasing this idea of perfection is another way we are kept in our lane in the rat race. Here is this unattainable goal that we are all striving for, competing for, and living for, always missing the mark, so we have no choice but to begin again. Work harder, try harder!
I for one am all done with that. I want to enjoy the days. And for me, to enjoy means that I have to relax my standards, I have to be ok with less, and I have to be ok with looking like I just stumbled out of bed at the gym hair and gym clothes in a state of disarray that would have previously been not possible.
It is a strange feeling indeed that once I stopped chasing it, I feel closer to it. Like no matter what is happening in my life, I can see the Divine Timing and I know that it will all work out ok...I mean until it doesn’t. And that is where I come to land...that regardless of how perfect our lives look or even feel, at the end of the day, we shall all land at death’s door. And when I get there, I want to be sure that I can reflect back and say that while I kept trying to move toward a spiritual ideal, I left behind the belief that I could ever really be perfect, and neither could any of you.
I have learned the most in my life by fucking things up in my mad pursuit for perfection’s blessing. And today, I am committed to leaving that in the past. Today, instead of being perfect, I want to be present. I want to be here for the beings in my life, showing up and giving back what I can. And nurturing this spiritual relationship that roils beneath my skin. I want to continue to seek God, but not with new yoga mats and meditation cushions. Instead, I want to walk in awe through this messy, complicated, painful (at times) life of mine. Feeling and living every minute of it...Allowing my maniacal pursuit of perfection to fall by the way side of all the other silly things I have chased in my life.
