Children...
- eschaden
- 6 minutes ago
- 6 min read
It has been awhile since I spent a lot of time with a baby. Like 19 years. But this week I am spending my time going to playgrounds, playing in backyard pools, going for stroller walks, picking up toys that seem to proliferate when you are not looking and having the best time with a tiny little human...
My first thought? EXHAUSTION. I just couldn’t fathom how I did this all day every day for years. This exhaustion quickly morphed into gratitude for the fact that I was no longer at the baby raising stage of life...that I have freedom and the ability to sleep longer than a tiny toddler will allow.
My next thought? I am so ready to be a grandma (when my kids are ready to be parents! I do not want to be a parent-grandma, no, that would not be good for anyone, but when my kids have kids I will enjoy the fuck out of it!)
Spending time with Fae this week has enlivened something in me that was not, perhaps, dead, but was dormant, forgotten. I forgot that every minute of every day is a time to learn, to grow, to stretch into something more and better than you were yesterday. I forgot how language comes into being in the form of drips and drabs but then someone turns off the floodgate, and there is just this rush and explosion of connection, voice, intelligence and language! Yesterday she said window about a window. We didn’t know that she knew that word...until she did.
I forgot about how much life is this wonderous thing. This thing that just happens over and over again but is new every single minute of every single day. When you spend time with a baby, it is all the same but never the same because they are constantly and unrelentingly changing in every single moment. Things they could not do yesterday become the mastery of today. It is inspiring...
It is also a lot of very hard work. To be “on” all the time. To be hyper vigilant without being overbearing or a lawnmower parent (new term to me yesterday - a parent who clears the path before the child even walks it). To be present for the routine while also being charged with keeping the routine fun, engaging and not mind numbingly boring. Early motherhood is as exhausting as it is miraculous.
Like everything else in life, there are always two ways you can take things. There is the upbeat positive stuff and then there is the hard, unrelentingness of it all. There is the loneliness of the task knowing that if you don’t do it, if you don’t rise to the occasion, no one else is really going to offer.
But this time with them has been amazing. I love that little girl so very much. I love her sweet voice and her stubborn optimism about, well, pretty much everything. She doesn’t get frustrated with tasks that she can’t do, because she doesn’t know that she can’t do them. She just seems to exist in this perpetual state of “I might not be able to do that right this second, but any minute now, I will do it!”
The pride that is uttered with every single, “I DID IT!” It can be something as simple as removing the lid to the sunscreen and putting it back on to walking unassisted, there is no end to the things she is accomplishing on a daily basis. NO END. Which is amazing to witness. I mean, who doesn’t love a baby??
She also reminds me that I, too, do not handle being tired or hungry well. Her ability to tackle tasks and withstand frustration is in direct proportion to her level of exhaustion and hunger. Me too. Me fucking too. Perhaps we don’t change as much as we think we do...
I marvel at her mom. She is just the best mom. I mean, I sit and watch her patiently love and attend to her child, never getting irritated, never raising her voice, taking each moment and turning it into a teaching moment without ever adopting a tone that would make even a baby want to sock her in the mouth. She just shows up and dedicates her life to this little girl. The love that exists between the two is unparalleled. The security and safety the little girl feels about her world and the people in it is an extraordinary feat! To juggle fun, freedom, safety, security, learning, boundaries without losing your cool is a sight to be seen. I am just amazed.
It has also given me time to reflect on my own parenting. The kind of parenting I did back then and the kind I am doing now...I am way more selfish. I am way too hovering and overprotective. I am so uncomfortable with suffering (my own and theirs) that I fixed things that I should have allowed them to resolve. I can see that now, the level and feeling of incompetence that I instilled in my kids because I didn’t want them to get hurt or fail or make a mess. I robbed them of a sense of self in a way because I was so scared, afraid they would get hurt or suffer...
But I also have been able to remind myself of how much grace and love a mother gives and must also extend to herself. It is often a thankless task that never ends and feels like the more you give the less you have sometimes. As Fae and I were dancing around the kitchen last night to Taylor Swift, me spinning her around, laughing, singing, dancing, I remembered also how fun it was to be a mom. To have this little tiny person in your arms, looking at you like you are both insane and hilarious. And to feel safe, knowing that you would never, ever hurt them. To have a young child raise their arms to you, to allow you to hold them close, to give you night time kisses is about the best endorsement I think you can get as a human being. If a baby doesn’t want you, then you should probably take a pretty good look at yourself. Babies know good people, safe people. And they are not afraid to speak it with their voices and their behavior. Why oh why do we make them lose that? That innate trust in themselves and who is safe?
I guess this is what you get at 56. The ability to review your own mothering and find it sorely lacking but also an affirmation that you did the very best you could with what you had available to you at the time. There will always be a wistful sadness for me that I didn’t have more to offer my children when they were little. And a renewed intention to do better with and for my kids today. Children inspire. They inspire us to be better for them, to them, because of them. They show us where we are stuck and where we need to grow beyond our current limitations.
I am grateful to be at the stage of life where I am cruising into grandmother time. I have so enjoyed this time with Fae and Christina. To be respite for moming while also being the fun side kick who has no real responsibility in the whole long term plan. I am the photographer, the one filling in the gaps, the one who can dance around in the kitchen just for fun. I am not saddled with the burden of child rearing, I, instead, am blessed with the lovely task of child enjoying, savoring and exploring. Being mindful and interested and present for the daily unfolding of this person fully engaged in life without the huge responsibility of raising that child to adulthood...what a gift!
I hope they come to stay every year. I hope I get to be a force for good in this little girl’s life, just like I hope I have been for her mother. I love them both so very much. And am grateful for this beautiful time to remember, reflect and peruse my own shortcomings and successes as a mom...
Again, still...
Comments