Circumlocution

Some might say that this is what this entire blog is...the unnecessary use of a large number of words to express an idea...an evasion in speech. Which is kind of funny because while perhaps, I am circuitous and repetitive, I really do try to put something new out there. And as simply as I can. I have read some of my older blogs and I was way wordier before...

Some days it does feel like I am just circling the drain of my mind. Today might be one of those days. I still don’t feel well. I went to work, I stayed until midday and then came home. But I worked until 6. So...not really a sick day.

I am going to try to stay home today and rest. It really should not be this hard. I have changed my mind about what I am going to do today at least a hundred times and still do not feel settled on a course for the day...

So I revert to what feels good and safe, lots of words to perhaps evade what I really want to say which is that I am not particularly good at not feeling well. This would include sad, upset, hurt, disappointed and sick. While I am sure that no one likes to feel any of the above, my circumlocution around the simple idea of a sick day demonstrates a deeper issue with the whole concept of self care versus care of others. I seemingly have a pathological fear of letting other people down...even when it is to my own detriment. So I throw a whole bunch of words at how I feel so I can distract myself and you from the very simple truth: I do not feel well.

And while I cannot tell you why this is so troubling to me...it is. On every level. I do not want to admit that I don’t feel well. I don’t want to take a day off. I don’t want to alter my plans or the plans of others to accommodate my illness. I just want it to all go away so that I can get back to living my life.

So here we are with a lot of words to express the simple idea that I do not do down well. Not new information but I am trying to find a new place for it to land, if only in my own head. I do not feel well so I am going to stay home and this is not the end of the world.

And I think that is enough out of me...