Crying through Malibu...

It has been an emotional week.  Stacy left yesterday for her new life and adventure in Nashville.  And while I am excited and happy and so looking forward to what she does next, I miss her already and feel her absence acutely.

Female friendships have always been tricky for me.  I have always tended to have one BFF with a few other female friends who are close but not my primary female friendship.  I do not tend to do well in groups of women. Something happens with them and to me that isn’t pleasant or life affirming.  That is a blog for another day...

We rented a place on the ocean for Stacy’s last night in California.  We went to a fancy restaurant for dinner and watched the sun set and rise.  I would love to say the whole time was magical, but I got food poisoning (probably the arugula) and so my night was kind of shot...

By morning I was better and we were able to spend time just enjoying watching the pelicans fish for breakfast and watch the sunrise over Santa Monica.  We laughed, listened to music, drank coffee after we fought the microwave to release it, and we just relished in a safe, loving friendship that has been building and evolving over the past five years.

I was ok.  I got my shit to my car and then cleaned up a little.  I helped her get her car out onto PCH and then I watched her drive away...

It was then the tears started.  I couldn’t stop them.  I felt her absence so acutely.  I love her so very much and I don’t know what I am going to do with myself when my ride or die just relocated across the country.  But I know this is supposed to be happening because it is.  And I believe that what is occurring, whether we like it or not, is destined.

So I waved goodbye to the helpful construction crew that then helped me get my car out onto PCH (we were well loved since I Ubereated donuts and then neither Stacy nor I could really eat them, we gave them to the guys working hard to bring the homes of Malibu back to life after the fire).  And then I swear, it was as if the universe was hellbent on me crying because satellite radio played sad song after sad song...and the tears flowed.  I mean, they would have without the music but it helped. I felt held in a way that only music can provide.  The words and melodies echoing out soul pain that makes it safer and more comfortable to be sad and embrace hard feelings.

As I drove north homeward, I cried the tears and felt the overwhelming sadness for the loss of her physical presence in my everyday life.  I smiled at all the fun times we had.  Found a deep well of gratitude for this woman who is so brave and strong and loving.  The woman who loved me through a horrible relationship with a man that was so terrible for me.  That she was able to love me through it when many were not.  I was grateful for the laughter, the fun, the long talks, the support, the mutuality of assistance we provided each other.  Stacy has been a gift that just keeps on giving.  And I feel the loss intensely and fully.

She is not gone from my life.  I will see her in 21 days when I travel to Nashville to see her new place and life.  But our friendship will now change.  It will have to endure a two hour time difference and the evolution of lives not daily, physically intertwined.  The truth is that we have never lived in the same city, but we lived in enough proximity to each other that seeing each other in person did not require a $1000 and a cross country flight.  So the logistics of this friendship got harder but the desire to have a friend and be a friend to her did not.  I think I might actually love her and value her more now in this time of acute absence.

I would say that you don’t know what you have until it is gone, but I did. Every day, I knew how lucky I was to have her as my BFF.  For her humor, support, love, intelligence and tenacity to stay with me while I do all the Erin shit that I do.  That I know, is not always easy to stomach and live with.  She loved me anyway.  And that will never be wasted on me.

Not that I think I am unloveable. Well, that isn’t really true.  I struggle with my lovability.  I mean, I know I am worth loving, but I also know that intimacy makes me uncomfortable and afraid so I have this tendency to flee it...and do a whole host of weird shit to find a place where I feel safe again.

I am very grateful that I did NOT do that this time.  And I have been richly rewarded with a friend that loves me for who I am and I love her back the same.  We are not the same people but we appreciate and value what each of us brings to this friendship and that is rare in today’s world.

In her honor, I stopped at Starbucks and got her favorite, Strawberry Matcha.  When the barrista asked me the name for my order, I paused and then said, “STACY!”  And so it will be with all my strawberry matcha purchases going forward.  Seemed like a good omen that they even spelled her name correctly on my cup.

When you are lucky enough to have a friend like her, you learn new things, experience new shit and get to spend your drive home through Malibu crying.  There was a time when I couldn’t cry about anything.  I just felt mad and upset and a little unhinged.  I am grateful I have healed to a point today that I can just allow myself to feel whatever it is that I feel and have that be ok.  And I am especially grateful that I have a friend who gets me like she does.  And that I get her and love her right back.

I miss her because I so value her presence in my life.  And I will do my part to continue the friendship in spite of the miles and time zones.  Because friendship is a life affirming foundation in life.  Finding someone to be safe with and feel cared for while you are providing safety and love to them is something quite lovely and worth all the tears crying through Malibu...

Again, still...