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Day 103 - Happy One Year NRT!

On Sunday it was one year ago that I started this blog. I had no idea what I was doing, what I was trying to accomplish or where this would all go. I felt equally unsure if I wanted it to be a flop or a raging success. I was terrified to put anything out there. I felt trapped by my own anonymity. Suffering and living in silence. A life examined but unshared.

Looking back, I am amazed on several fronts:

1. That I did it anyway.

2. That I continued, sporadically at first but then found some vigor to up the ante and begin a daily practice.

3. That anyone besides my mom reads it.

4. That my experience is relatable to others.

5. That my thoughts, feelings and rantings are felt by others in a similar manner and tone.

6. That I wake up most days with nothing at all in my head and as soon as my fingers hit the keyboard, my brain springs to life.

7. That I see friends in the grocery store who tell me they read my blog every morning with their coffee.

8. That I made a commitment and have seen it through.

9. That my simple, typical life has so many facets to it that allow me to connect with others.

10. That I have met a couple of men because of my blog!

11. That writing has become an outlet for my pain as well as my joy.

12. That I look forward to this time everyday where I check in with myself and then share what I have learned with whomever might read this.

So to recap, I am pretty fucking amazed at this whole last year. I remember feeling completely differently about me back then. I don’t feel like I have it all together now (far from it) but I do feel like the writing and posting has helped me settle into myself in a way that I was never able to before.

I remember when I took on the whole posting every day thing back in August, I was sure that I would fuck it up. I was sure that I would abandon it as being too time consuming in my already overwhelming life. But to my own amazement, here I am writing every day, posting it for all who care to read. I am going to call that so far, so good.

Anniversaries are good check in points for any relationship...even just with ourselves. A nice vantage point to review our progress or lack thereof. I have no regrets except that I didn’t start daily posting sooner. That I waited eight months to make it a commitment to myself. At the same time I can acknowledge that I wasn’t ready one second before I started on the daily. I couldn’t have done it before...I did it at exactly the right time for me.

I am thankful to all of you who read this everyday. It makes me feel so good to know that you care enough to incorporate me into the daily fabric of your lives. Allow me to invade your solace and routine. Thankful just doesn’t really begin to cover how I feel.

I would be remiss without specially thanking my mom. She has always been an ardent supporter of my writing. She has always encouraged me to write. She was super skeptical of the blog though...she is not a social media person and her worst nightmare is putting anything out into the cyber world...most especially inner, private thoughts and feelings. Regardless of her own trepidation, she encouraged me and supported me which seems to be her lot in my life. We are two very different people who can and do really appreciate our differences, each being impressed and somewhat awed by the other’s discrepancies. She read and read and read even when my subject matter was hard to read or she was completely freaked out by what I was willing to put out there. Thank you Mom for always being my champion and fervent supporter!

I also need to give a big shout out to The Tribe. My crazy renegade band of women who I have come to depend upon like the water I drink and air that I breathe. These women encouraged me to begin. They encourage me still. They tell me the truth and love me anyway. They have been my intimacy testing ground which has morphed into an intimacy proving ground. Their friendship the place where I first started as an observer, a member but only really in name. Feeling, as I always had, on the outside looking in. But they just allowed me to live on the periphery until I was ready to come into the pack. The loved me even if at times understanding me was hard. And they read every day. Every fucking day. When their lives are blowing up. When their lives are too jam packed with kids and work and life shit, still they read. Thank you my sisters for loving me, supporting me and believing in me when I did not know how to do that myself.

Finally, I want to thank all of you who read this. Thank you for giving me a forum to connect with others. Thank you to the men that read and comment, that has been a truly spectacular and unexpected gift. Seeing how my female perspective resonates with your gender, a life line in my thought and feeling firestorm of gender inequality.

So one year later, I find myself happily committed to this relationship with myself. Willing to share its ups and downs with whomever cares to read. Loving the relationship I have with myself in its current, flawed form. Grateful to have taken the chance, the risk. The reward far greater than I could have ever expected. Still insecure in my abilities as a writer, barely being able to claim the title. But willing to continue nonetheless. Walking forward down this literary path with no destination in mind, allowing me to care less about the ultimate destination and more about the daily journey. The daily words on the screen that allow me insight into my inner world. The sharing of those words, my link to all of you, some known, others not. Thank you all.

Happy One Year Birthday NRT!

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