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Day 117 - Gratitude & Freedom

I am late writing today because I had a fantastic night last night. The details of the night I will keep private but I will say that it was a lot of fun.

I am very grateful for the lovely time but I am even more grateful to be ok in my own skin. Today, the relationship I have with myself the most important one I participate in.

Seems like my life is providing me all these opportunities to check in with myself. See how I am handling life, expectations, fear, longing...the usual. But with this new freedom and gratitude for all the people I have been.

As hard as this is to admit, I think I always felt less than or more than. I was never right sized. Feelings of inferiority or grandiosity ruled my every interaction with people. I did not seem to have a core that I could depend upon. Blown about by winds others personalities blew in my direction. To be honest, I still have this hard wiring that says “why me?” or “surely there is someone better...” but today I can see that those are the wrong questions born out of insecurity and years of self denigration. Today, I spend more time feeling equal to others. My ego being in check so that I can be myself, you are free to like me or not, but that doesn’t mean that I have to change or become someone different.

I used to heap so much pressure on myself. Like I was in charge of the outcome and it was super important that I not fuck it up. Today, I feel like I have finally learned to relax and take it all as it comes. My only job is to be kind, honest and as authentic as my level of fear will allow. What comes, allow. What leaves, let go.

Having the freedom to be at home in myself allows me to let others do the same. You are no longer responsible for my happiness. I do not need you to do certain things to make me happy or stop doing things to achieve the same. I can allow you to be you, the connection between us not dependent on either of us manipulating the other into something neither of us wants, or only thinks we want.

Unconditional friendliness seems to be the theme of my life now. Towards self and others. I can see myself and own the things about me that I like and be willing to work on the things that I don’t. I can laugh at myself when I screw up instead of beating the shit out of myself. Since I am not killing myself with negativity all the time, life has gotten lighter and less serious. This has enabled me to love the moment and not live in fear of the next moment. Which has given me immense freedom and a great deal of gratitude.

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