Day 119 - Next!
This could be the mantra for my life. Seems as though I have always been asking for whatever is not quite here yet. I have given up a lot of things betting on the promise of next. That whatever is just around the corner, better than whatever I have right now. Seems as though, I am always up for trading in the present and whatever it holds for what is not in view.
Sometimes I think that I have lived my whole life because next beckons. Seemingly always willing to take my leave of the current, in order to create a space for whatever rounds the bend.
Don’t most people work really hard to acquire meaningful things in their lives? Pull them close and then work really hard to keep them there?
This has not been my course. I have worked very hard to acquire things: education, careers, businesses, men, relationships, marriages and then just walk away. Deciding that whatever bright future lies ahead requires the sacrifice of whatever my life holds in the moment.
There are certain things that I would not walk away from. My children. My parents. Animals. Friendships. But as I write this list, I wonder. Would I?
If I were to get some amazing job offer that required that I travel round the globe, would I let my daughter go live with her dad? Would I leave my parents behind? Would I trade in the pet menagerie for a simpler more fur free life? Would my friendships become more pen pals than a real, in person connection?
If I am honest, I do not know. Just thinking of the guilt I would feel makes me a little panicky. But could I do it? If I am honest, I think that I could. Compartmentalization my ninja skill.
So if I can do it and likely would do it, then why haven’t I done it? Am I really just sitting here in Ojai, awaiting the incredible job offer that unravels my life?
It is a lot to ponder actually.
What I have concluded is that this is the fantasy life that I hold onto that makes me feel less stuck in my routine. Being a person that needs a routine but hates it at the same time. My whole life one long battle with myself over doing the same shit day after day and finding comfort in that, and saying fuck it and moving to Bali to write in a hut on the beach.
I have always maintained that I could just sell all my crap and disappear into some remote locale given proper motivation.
I have actually done that in my life, throwing away all the stuff that I worked so hard for...for the promise of something better and more exciting in some new exotic location. I do not regret it. My internal compass telling me in a very loud authoritative voice, “YOU ARE ALL DONE HERE. TIME TO GO...”
Seems that I am here again. Feeling out of sorts with myself and the result this restlessness moves me forward. Don’t worry, I am not moving to Bali...yet. I am selling my house and buying another. Bored with the routine of my current life container, time to mix it up. Of course, the universe may have other ideas...this may all be folly and I may be staying put. Buying and selling houses precarious business that is nothing if not unpredictable.
I am not delusional in why I am doing this. I need something new. I am bored. Tired. Feeling run down by my life’s monotony. I have a great life, full of meaning and interest and most importantly love. But my restless heart, feeling stifled, restricted and in need of some new place to call home.
I hope that someday I can settle into the now and not be at next’s beckoning. I don’t know. My life trajectory a better track record for change than status quo.
The house may or may not work out. I am ok either way. I am nothing if not a walking contradiction. Wiling to always put forth effort on many things most would call a fool’s errand. Somehow my life’s purpose finding meaning and joy in all of the course alterations and plot twists.
Next an unattainable lover that I seem somewhat content with chasing, ignoring and then reacquainting myself with. I am just that person. A restless heart that seems to need the novel to shake me loose from stagnation and security. Autonomy always be my choice over security.
So I say to the powers that be, NEXT! The universe replies back, FONWARD! (Fucking onward in Erinspeak). Both of us laughing to ourselves...me because I know it will never go down the way I think. The universe laughing because it totally does.