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Day 162 - The Fiction of Reality

Our world is changing so rapidly now that most people I know are spinning. Totally spinning out. It is crazy out there. People are panicking and then lying about the fact that they are panicking which just undermines our whole reality. I am hearing people talk about the things they are thinking and what they are doing and then they end their diatribe with “but I am remaining calm and not panicking."

I am like “Dude, you just told me that you have 1000 rolls of toilet paper, 72 bottles of hand sanitizer and have cut off all in person contact with the world but you are denying you are panicking...”

I think this type of refusal to admit your reality is super dangerous. We are all panicking to a degree. Some more than others, but still anyone who says that they aren’t freaked out is LYING!

Everything in our world is changing. Not just our homes and communities. But in the entire fucking world. Everything we took for granted is changing. All that we came to reply upon is now different and not a new stable different but a totally shifting and moving different that no one can pin down because it is water like in its ability to move and shape shift.

For me, I do not think that is what is really wrong. If we take a step back, things have always been like this. Life changes all the time. The difference between then and now is that our stories are having to change. Before we were able to tell ourselves stories that kept our realities in check. Life was predictable enough that we were able to tell ourselves whatever version of reality that the facts could loosely support. When something horrible happened that fell outside that circle, we called it an anomaly and aberration.

Now there are more aberrations than our minds can keep up with. Our ability to tell tales isn’t capable of keeping up with the rapidity with which our world is changing. We are afraid but feel this insistence to not admit that we are afraid. We are panicking but instead of saying that - we are denying it and then characterizing our behavior in a different light. So we are doing things that are nuts but then calling it sane. I think this is super dangerous. And honestly, this freaks me out more than anything else.

What I believe we need now more than ever is to tell the truth. The entire truth. We are afraid. We are panicking. We do not know how to makes sense of all that is happening. Let us just rest in that for a moment. It is a logical and natural response when everything you count on and believe comes into question.

For me, whatever comes next, I am super clear that I want my manner of moving through it to be authentic. I want to allow my need to tell stories and posture to fall away. I want to be honest and open and loving and allow for moments of grace. I think the only way we get there is to start now making sure our words match our conduct. Stop saying that you are ok. Stop pretending that this is all ok. Nothing about any of this is ok. Can we all just agree on that?

I think a better use of our time than telling stories to keep our fragile egos feeling safe is to pull our covers and lay ourselves bare. Let’s take a moment to reset the status quo and open ourselves to being vulnerable. Let’s take the opposite reaction than what everyone seems to be doing. Let’s move toward the fear and panic. Let’s not allow it to become the elephant in the room that we are not talking about. Let’s just fucking talk about it and hear each other and allow it to just hang there. It is there anyway, not talking about it just leaves us all feeling more isolated and alone.

So as we go within our homes and cocoon ourselves from the virus, let us not forget that we are and will always need each other. The interconnectedness of us all is the lesson in all of this. When a person sneezes in China, the effects are eventually felt in Ojai, California. It cannot be otherwise.

For me, I do not want the reality of fiction. I do not want the talking heads to tell me what is going on and how I should be feeling about all of it. I prefer instead for a forum where I can be real and honest and say what it is that I feel and think. I want to tell you that I am scared and my behavior indicates that. I am panicking but I am working hard to keep it in check and the most useful tool for that is to own that I am fucking doing it.

Popular culture has often asked the question: What if the whole world went crazy at once? Well, I think we are about to find out.

For me, I am going to do my part to not feed the crazy. I am not going to do that by denying what I think and feel but instead by owning it. I am going to shift through all the bullshit that people are pedaling and I am going to go for the love. I am going to see that the world at large has been given a new reality that is causing everyone to tell tall tales in order to make themselves feel safe again. For me, I am going to just admit that I do not feel safe. And no amount of story telling is going to change that. I am just going to allow whatever moment I am in to be the definition of my current reality and stop fighting it.

None of us knows what is going to happen. No one knows how this is going to change us all. What I do know is that I want my reality to be my story. Right here. Right now. This life. What is happening. This is my best life. I do not want to pretend that I am not panicking when I am. I do not want to pretend that I am cool with it all when I am not. I do not want to say that I am unafraid when that is not true. I want to own it all and allow it to seep into my psyche and be what it is...the truth.

I believe that truth is the greatest resource we have right now. That and the ability to be present. I am going to spend my time loving what is even if I don’t like it very much. I am going to work hard to find joy in the mundane aspects of my life and am going to take care to allow myself to be real even when I feel most vulnerable.

I am not going to allow my reality to become someone else’s fiction. I think we have done that for way too long and I am done. This is real. It is happening. It is up to us what we do with it. Let’s have honest conversations and share with the intent to really hear each other. To be there to comfort not denigrate each other. Let’s create a new reality with better conduct toward ourselves and each other. Seems like there is no better time than the present.

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