Day 163 - Swallowed by the New
Where to start today? I feel like so much has happened in the last 24 hours. Feels like I have lived five days not just one. I know that most likely everyone feels this way right now. So much happening so quickly.
I am honestly scared to write anything. I am afraid of sharing what is in my head - it isn’t all that great. I do not want to add to the panic or social disruption. But I am finding it hard to be authentic and not admit that I am scared. The past and present area both ok. It is the looming future that leaves me full of fear. I can’t stop my mind from going to apocalyptic thinking.
For me, I have to remember that this is what my head does with any fear. Always has, always will. And it has carried me this far in my life. To right here where we all sit waiting to become ill. My ability to forward chain and think has kept me on this planet until now. So I can be grateful for the thoughts and my willingness to moved toward it.
I am truly powerless. As the government takes more and more control away, I become even more vulnerable. But I have learned a great lesson over the past few months. Vulnerability is strength. I no longer have to walk around pretending that I am something I am not. Brave when scared. Found when lost.
Today I feel swallowed by the new. Overwhelmed with all that is happening. Unsure of what to believe, where to find information and what to do next.
Glen Phillips Album by the same title, outlines his emotional aftermath from a break up - the end of his marriage. How much overwhelm he felt with the newness of freedom. Today I feel swallowed by the new...everything. All that is going on. All that is happening. Today I am a little lost.
I am sitting with my thoughts because what else can I really do? The new doesn’t ask my permission or grant me a reprieve. The new is just going to continue to come. My best use of my time, learning to just accept. Acceptance has to be the key right now. Evaluation, Rebellion, luxuries I can no longer afford. Lucky for me, I have been practicing accepting what is for some time now. Lucky for me, I can help you too. Lucky for us we have each other even if we do not have the ability to touch, hug or hold each other.
Today, I am going to do my best to have a good attitude that is honest and real and accepting of all the new. Today I am going to try to do things that make my feelings of being consumed and swallowed not worse. I am super unclear that I have the ability to really do anything else. I am going to sign up to deliver food to those that cannot and should not go out. I am going to trust that I am here for a reason, that all of the new is happening for a reason. That everything that came before, came to prepare me for this moment right here.
Today I am going to dig deep. I am going to do my best to love without fear. To live my life in service. To pray that we all receive grace. To understand all that is not really comprehensible in this moment. I am going to accept my feelings of powerlessness as being a natural way of being now and always. I have always lacked power. That has always been my issue. I was forever trying to assert my will, to control. But as I have so often learned. The power I do have is best used rightly. With, not against the universal will. So I am going to try to do that today. I am going to try to be there for others. I am going to do the next indicated thing. I am going to love and be present and see what I can do to help. I am going to feed the optimistic side of me while tending to the skeptic. I am going to spread love not panic. Well, at least I am going to try.
In the meantime, I highly suggest Glen's album...he is a master of making sense of hard things. Of finding Grace in hard times. His words solace and his music comfort. Praise in Grief. I hope they help you the way they have helped me. Namaste, everyone. Namaste.