Day 167 - Enough
Wow. So the world is completely different today than it was yesterday. Again, I have to remember that this is not a new paradigm. The world has always been different today than it was yesterday. Always.
What keeps coming up for me is this concept of enough. As an alcoholic, I have always had trouble with this concept. There was never enough of anything for me, the least of which being booze. I was the stockpiler, the person that always wanted to have a spare case on hand, just in case. I was always worried about having enough...and I was always lacking because in my case, one was too many and a thousand never enough. That was not just with booze either. It was everything. There was never enough of anything for me, love, attention, sex, affections, work, money, things, popularity. You name it and I could give you a stellar argument as to why I needed more of whatever it was my constantly shifting head decided I needed and lacked.
The constant and corrosive thread of lack, ruled my life, my psyche, my relationships, my everything. Until sobriety. Once I embarked on that journey, I was introduced to this concept of enough. At first it was completely foreign to me. I railed against it. I didn’t understand it. It scared me. How could I ever look at my life and really believe that I had enough?
But slowly as my length of time in recovery increased, my ability to objectively and subjectively see that I, in fact, did have enough, grew. I could look around and think things like this:
I really do have enough friends
I really do have enough attention
I really do have enough money
I really do have enough love
I really do have enough resources
I really do have enough
Slowly over time my thoughts shifted to having enough to being enough.
Today, I sit in my life, under lockdown, and I look around at my immediate life, my home and see that I have more than enough. The evidence all around me that this driving principle of lack still operating in my life. I have more than enough pillows on my couch and bed (some might say I have way too many and they would be right), I have more than enough animals (again some would say too many and again they would be right). I have way too much of a lot of things...hair products in my shower, canned goods in my pantry (this was not something that I went out and did given the current conditions, no, I have always had them there). So the concept of enough is clearly something I am still working on.
What helps me the most is to bring it to the forefront. To stay in this day, right here in this moment. Right now I am warm, I am fed, I am rested, I am healthy, I am loved, I am ok. I have enough of everything right now. Here. If I fully inhabit this moment, I do not need to worry about tomorrow. If I rest fully in the place of enough, I can see that I am ok. I can look back on the whole of my life and see that I have always been ok, regardless of whether or not I believed that I had enough...
This is where I think I can be of service to others...this place of lack that I have come to know so well in myself...this effort I have spent getting to know all the ways fear grips me and tells me that I lack this or that. I have spent the last 25 years getting to know this place well, being able to see it, experience it and reel it in. I have been able to see that my life is rich in abundance, regardless of what my head tells me. So I am willing to share this with all of you. If you want a reality check, call me and I will help you inventory your life to find the enough you already possess. I can share my experience of getting to know all the places and ways my head plays tricks on me to change my perspective from one of feeling rich in body, mind and spirit to one of feeling impoverished on every level.
I have spent the last 25 years watching myself tell myself stories about all the things I need to be happy, seeing it for what it is, a story and then practicing letting go of the storyline and coming back to the freshness of the present moment. In the present I am always ok, I always have enough and am capable of seeing that my life is abundant and rich beyond my wildest dreams.
Today I will meditate on how much enough I have. I will allow the panic and fear to dissipate because I will refuse to feed it. I will not allow myself to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish my usefulness to others.
We all are in this together regardless of where our physical bodies are right now. We all have enough in this moment. And if we forget, let’s remind each other that we do have enough and enough to share with those that forget or do, in fact, not have enough.
I am going to spend my day reveling in the enough that I have. I am going to marvel in just how much of everything I have. And I am going to share that with all I am privileged to come into contact with today. That seems like the best use of enough right now. May you all find your enough and share it with all who find themselves lacking today. May we all love each other and endeavor to help each other in any way we can. Namaste.