Day 172 - All the Lonely People...
Updated: May 8, 2020
Most of the time, I am really quite happy alone. Most of the time, the absence of a boyfriend, lover or husband is pretty much ok with me. Most of the time I am pretty happy living my life solo.
Last night I watched a movie that threw me into a tailspin. It was predictable. It was the old: man meets woman, they eventually fall in love, they screw it up, they go their separate ways, then in the end find their way back to each other because they truly, madly, deeply love each other. It was, once upon a time, what I desperately wanted to happen with Lane.
It would have been easy to go to that place again last night. Especially at this time when leaning into someone would feel so good. A warm chest to rest my head would be so welcome right now. As I sat there crying in my living room, I found myself wondering why I was crying. Was it because I missed Lane? Was it because I was alone? Was it because I thought the story was beautiful? Was it because I was lonely? Was it because I missed loving someone and being loved back?
The answers: No. Sort of. Not Really. A little. BINGO!
The movie awakened in me this longing for intimate, romantic love. Not the kind you can just order up on Tinder, but the kind where you truly see the other person, with all of their flaws and you just love them anyway. Where this is this mutual exchange of admiration, adoration and alchemy. I would be a huge liar to say that I didn’t miss that.
Of course getting in touch with those feelings led me back to thinking about Lane. The actor in the movie, even kind of looked like him. So it was easy to be deposited back at that love loop. However, I didn’t stay there very long. Lane is never coming back. In our story, he moves on and loves someone else more than he ever loved me and is happier. That is just reality. In our story, we don’t fall in the sand on the beach and propose to one another.
But he is the only man that I have ever felt this way about. He is the only one that I have ever felt like was my soul mate...whatever that even means. So it would have been easy last night to slip into morbid reflection about him. But I didn’t. Instead I was given this separation, this distance to be able to see that what I really longed for was the feeling of being connected to someone who was connected to me. It wasn’t about Lane at all. I didn’t miss him, he was just the person that most closely used to embodied the feeling that I was missing.
Now you all may be thinking, BIG DEAL?! But it was for me. It was a huge deal that I could see that I missed a feeling instead of a person who used to hold that feeling for me. HUGE DIFFERENCE!
So I cried for a few minutes on the couch, washed my face then went to bed. I prayed to be relieved of the pain of these feelings and to be able to get in touch with their essence. What was I really feeling?
Lonely. Yep, that was it. As I climbed into my bed, solo, I laid there looking at the ceiling thinking of all the other people out there who were lonely. All the lonely people where do they all come from? John Lennon asked that question a million years ago and I have an answer...they come from every walk of life. Every situation. Every socio-economic group. They are, in fact, all of us. We all take our turn in the loneliness barrel, regardless of whether we are in a relationship or single. Loneliness comes for everyone at some point.
So I felt better when I allowed myself to realize that this was not something that I alone felt, I was one of many people in this world who was likely lonely last night. With all that is going on, being confined to our homes, there are probably a lot of lonely people right now.
I am a big believer in contrary action. Take an opposite reaction, or position. I am going to reach out and connect today. Take some action to alleviate the loneliness hangover from last night. Be super grateful that I am capable of separating a feeling from a person. There is nothing worse than pining away for someone that is long gone. Well, maybe a worldwide pandemic is worse...
So for all the lonely people out there, I am sending love and light. Try to find the love you have right now in your life. If you are truly alone, please send me a message. While I likely won't be your everything, I can maybe provide a little comfort today. I can relate. I am there too. As we are all finding out, we are all in this together. What happens to one of us, matters to the rest of us. Even loneliness. While hugging isn't possible, attention, affection and interest is possible. An antidote, in a time when we could all use a little cure.