I am having a hard time taking all of this seriously...again. At first, I just couldn’t wrap my mind around it. I just couldn’t believe that all of this was happening. A global pandemic...this wasn’t possible or happening or whatever. I just couldn’t fathom it. I then, went into panic mode and my mind went to all these really bad places. But then I settled in. I took it upon myself to stay at home and be stiller and more isolated. But then the government orders came into effect. I was ok with most of those to until they closed the beaches. Ever since then I have been having a hard time. It is like I am some rebellious teen who believes themselves to be unfairly grounded and I have been rebelling. Not doing all that I can to stop the spread. I feel shitty about it but I also have been kind of powerless to really stop my own rebellion.
I know, pretty childish, really. I can’t go to the beach now and so I am throwing caution to the wind? Wow, didn’t know that I was that immature...
However, it is more than that. I think that I am getting in touch with how very much I do not like to be told what to do...I don’t like it. I am sure I am not alone here. It causes this very childish response in me, that causes me to do stupid shit things much like a teenager who is pissed at her parents for setting boundaries and limiting inappropriate activities.
Regardless, I am there. In my own silent rebellion. Not wearing a mask and gloves in public. I am washing my hands and using sanitizer and keeping my distance but I am not taking seriously all the other precautions. Before I get a mountain of hate mail, it isn’t because I don’t care about myself or every one else, it is because I am in denial. There is something so horrible about what is going on that I can’t find the ability within myself to accept it.
The whole of my existence has been to accept things that I would rather not and I seem to continue to get harder and harder lessons here. Which I will fully admit, I am not handling all that great. I can see the greater good, I believe in the greater good so why am I not acting like I do?
For me, it is this rebellious core that can’t seem to bring myself in line with the masses. This immaturity that causes me to always and forever be different. Terminal uniqueness is what it really amounts to...
I am sharing about this because I can’t be the only one. I can’t be the only person that is feeling this way and acting this way. I have seen you out in public without your masks and gloves too.
When The Tribe was earlier in its formation, I used to just disappear for awhile. I wouldn’t engage or respond for days. I didn’t do this because I was an asshole, I just didn’t feel that important and if I distanced myself from them, it didn’t matter. Then one of my friends, called me out on it. I told her that I didn’t really think I was all that important, my presence was not vital to the group. She told me that I was wrong that my absence was noted and that it hurt her when I just pulled back. I didn’t see that. I didn’t see how I contributed all that much. She helped me see that my conduct was selfish and arrogant in a kind of backhanded way. I was being selfish but really didn’t see how my actions were hurting me or anyone else...
I think that I am getting a new lesson on the same issue here. The virus is showing us how we all are important to each other - either carrying the virus to others or breaking the chain of transmission. Both vital parts of the process. The choice is mine...do I want to be a link towards contagion or healing? It is an easy answer, but a harder process to follow.
I am admitting all of this here to hold myself accountable for my failure to really give up what everyone is being asked to give up...our will. My will has me doing lots of things that I want while sacrificing the collective well being. I see that now. I wish that I was just a complier...I was just someone who toed the line and followed. But I am not. I am a struggler, a resister, a fighter. And once again I am getting a lesson in alignment.
We all have will. Self will. We can all choose a lot of things. We are country founded and maintained on personal freedom. We kind of live for our rights. However, my life was pretty useless when I lived it based on self will. It was pretty awful actually, and resulted in me almost leaving this world more than once. One day that I saw the proper use of will...to align it with universal will. To trust that a power greater than myself, who possessed more knowledge than I did, would provide me the path forward. We are all being given a new path now, I have just been resisting following it.
So I am going to do today what I have learned to do...align my will with universal will and check to the side how much I don’t want to, how much I don’t agree with some of it, how much I wish things were different. I am just going to toe the line and do what is being asked of me. I will work with myself and stop the rebellion. I have always wanted to be a rebel with a cause, but in reality, I have always been a rebel with a self destructive streak...nothing more.
I stopped watching the news and guess what? I stopped being scared. This resulted in me not staying current and losing sight of what is going on here. Maybe I need to be a little scared...maybe I need to get out of my bubble.
So I will work today with alignment. I will work with myself for the greater good. I will try to do better than I did yesterday. I will try to have some compassion for this restless heart of mines that never, ever seems to be able to just accept. I have to question when acceptance is really so much more beneficial. Today I will remember that my life is affected far less than many. I am healthy, safe and well. As usual, my rebellion is hurting me, but now also is weaponized to injure others. Something I never, ever want to do. Today, I will align myself with the spiritual principles I just outlined over the past few days and practice what is good for one, is good for all. I will define myself inside the circle instead of outside it. I will resist my need to rebel and instead adopt an attitude of gratefulness for all that I have. I know this should be easier...but then, I wouldn’t be me. Today, I will accept this about myself but take the precautions anyway. Today, I will endeavor to be more a part of the solution, rather than the problem...
