Feeling pretty ok about my decision to not date. I am consciously not trying to couple. Making this decision has shown me just how compulsive and unintentional my dating life was. I now have to have the "it's not you, it's me" conversation with 5 different men. This is in addition to the 10 or more that I have to have a conversation
with online. I do not believe in ghosting (see previous blog post about that) so I have to take the time to say "I am out" in a nice and not jerky way...well, at least try to do that.
I find myself wondering - how did I let this get so complicated? Also, how did I ever think that I would find a relationship by dating 5 different people at the same time? Makes me wonder if finding a relationship was even a goal. I was doing broad and shallow, not narrow and deep. What did I expect to find that way? Not to belabor the point but online dating begs to be examined ever so shallowly. When you can be in contact with 30 people in under an hour, what other result could possibly happen? How can anyone ever develop anything with any depth that way?
I am not really dreading the conversations - but do find myself resentful over the time that I have to spend doing it. Then I remember that I am the one that kicked this all off by throwing up my online profile. This is price one pays for that. Try to exit gracefully and not be an asshole. In some regards, that could be a mantra for my life.
I am going to use the angst I feel about extracting myself from these budding encounters as a lesson for the future - if you don't want to feel this angst - don't allow yourself to online date or become involved with more than one person at a time. I like to think that I am pretty fantastic juggler...and I am...for a little while. Then I get overwhelmed and it all comes crashing down. That is a great metaphor except for the fact that I am talking about people - real human beings with needs and desires and wants. No one wants to be juggled. I will try to remember that next time I think that online dating is the way to go. For now, I have some phone calls to make.
"Chris? Hey, its Erin. Can we talk for a minute?"
Don't be an asshole! Do NOT be an asshole!
