I have a friend that is in the hospital. He is not doing well. It looks like stage 4 cancer. As he put it, “his body’s warranty has run out.” I cannot tell you how sad I am about this. He is a very special person and I am having a hard time wrapping my head around all of this.
We came to know each other in a business setting. He was a client of my firm. He is 22 years older than me. We were not likely candidates for friendship. But we are kindred spirits. And no circumstance can keep those people apart. We found commonality and friendship where it might have been unlikely to grow...but grow it did.
He is a fascinating man. The complete embodiment of an enlightened being. He achieved great fortune but left it all for a simpler life. He made interesting choices where women were concerned...having a soft spot for a beautiful woman served him well, and poorly throughout his life. He worked with his attachments and the things that made him suffer. He is a seeker. And a finder. Spending the whole of his life searching for deeper meaning...always turning toward the spirit.
He is an amazing photographer. His work is awesome in its depth and breadth. Using his connection to the spirit as a guide to the internal world of people which is actually super hard to photograph...but he could capture it and did. His work is amazing to me, and for my birthday, he gave me one of his works. I framed it and put it in my yoga/meditation studio where his work watches me sit in meditation and flail about in my attempts to become more yogic. Seems fitting that his portraiture sits in a space dedicated wholly to spirit.
He loves his children with adoration, ferocity and bemused detachment. He is passionate about music and guitars. Any musician who saw his collection would likely salivate and not be able to stop. We used to attend concerts and shows together. It was always an interesting evening. Everyone always looked at me as if I was a gold digger...like I was trying to hook myself to this man to get his money. I just used to laugh because it wasn’t like that for us...we were friends. We had deep talks about things that mattered. Things of the spiritual realm. Maybe no one looked at us like that...maybe that was all in my head.
I came to love this man...not in a romantic way. No that kind of love way too fragile...but in a spiritual way. I saw him and I think he saw me. Two beings honoring the spirit of each other. I think our friendship kind of makes the definition of namaste actually. We recognized the spiritual being in each other and ourselves and began our friendship from there. I am not sure I have ever had a friendship like that before, or perhaps will again.
He is in the hospital alone in this pandemic. His girlfriend arrived yesterday I think. But no one can go see him because the hospital can’t allow visitors. He is alone and I am sure afraid. Praying desperately for acceptance of his current state, and likely finding only pain and fear. This hurts my soul. This makes me want to burst through hospital doors and bring him a good bottle of wine and a guitar. Well, also someone to play the guitar for him...because Lord knows I can’t and that time for him passed with his last health crisis.
What I am feeling is that I am not ready to say good bye. So I will not. If he comes home from the hospital, I will go see him if I can. I will bring him a book and some flowers and hopefully a laugh. He always found my particular brand of crazy, funny. So perhaps I can bring him a laugh. Mostly I want to be there to encourage him, to not be afraid to have hard conversations, or lighthearted conversations or really any conversation.
He has this amazing collection of friends that is as impressive as his guitar collection. He is an amazing man and it pains me that he is suffering. When I asked him what I can do for him, he said “Hold a good thought.” So that is what I am doing...I will continue to do this for him. Right now, it is all I can do.
I am so grateful for his friendship and kindred spirit. That he didn’t have any qualms about being my friend. I am grateful for the look on his face while he watched Glen belt out beautiful, poignant prose at Soho. I am grateful that I got the time I did with him.
I am not giving up or saying good bye. That is not what he would want...he asked for me to hold a good thought and that is what I will continue to do. I am holding not just one but all of my good thoughts for you my friend. And if you need me, I will be there. Bringing my good thoughts for you with me...always.
