I am not sure what is going on these days but I am having some weird dreams. Last week I dreamt I was pregnant. That was actually a nightmare. I can’t think of how awful that would be...starting over at 50! Thankfully that is an impossibility for me but it was in the dream too.
My dream conversation with the doctor went like this:
Me:
I am exhausted and getting fat!
Doctor:
You are pregnant!
Me:
I can’t be! I had a hysterectomy!
Doctor:
Uteruses can grow back...it is rare but it happens.
Me:
AHHHHHHHHHHHH! Followed by crying.
I looked up the meaning and found that dreaming you are pregnant when you are not or can’t be pregnant stands for the birth of a new idea or thought...so I am waiting for inspiration to strike. You have been warned.
And I am so thankful that uteruses do not grow back...ever.
Last night I had two dreams...both weird. First the one about...Lane! I can hear the groaning ya know!
In the dream I went to his house and he was getting ready for what I think was his wedding. He was getting dressed and I was interrupting it because I needed him to sign a paper that said that I was allowed to be in the garage to retrieve my things. He was very nice in the dream. Not hurrying me out but smiling and laughing. We are standing at a dresser in his room when his girlfriend, maybe finance walks in.
She is not happy to see me and wonders why I am in her bedroom. I try to explain but she ignores me and begins talking to Lane about his pants. Which ones he is going to wear and if they are pressed. He begins talking to her and it is like I am not there. I feel super uncomfortable so I say goodbye and leave. Lane gives me a hug while his girlfriend glares at me. I leave feeling like I shouldn’t have come and wish that I could magically take back going at all. I hug his kids goodbye and then am in the garage shifting through my stuff. Feeling somewhat smug that I think that I am prettier than the girlfriend. But really that is more of a cover for how alone I feel.
My dream then shifts to me walking down a street in Brooklyn. I am going to this little bodega type store where they have barricaded the front of it so you can’t go inside due to the virus. They have a large poster board outside with the number of kittens they keep finding in their basement. I walk up, they know me (of fucking course they do), and I tell them I will take all the kittens. So they go downstairs and bring me 3 more (a grey one, a black one and a green one - I know - it is fucking bizarre but I am not in control here). I am worried that I should not be doing this but I do it anyway. As I am walking home, the kittens turn into tiny parakeets and I decide to build an aviary in my backyard. Now the green one makes more sense...
Then the alarm went off...
Holy shitballs. What the hell does all that mean?
You don’t need a Ph.D. to decipher it...
I am hopefully going to have some sort of inspired idea that results in some new adventure - pregnancy portion.
I am still smarting from Lane choosing someone else and from the deepest part of my psyche this pains me still. He is also probably getting engaged or married - Lane portion.
I have too many pets and have anxiety about my seeming inability to stop taking in strays. I think the dream outlines my thought process - find pets, say you will take them, then try to figure out how you are going to take care of them. I can see that there is an issue here - pet portion.
So I wake on this Tuesday a little tired and drained. My mental life has been activated for the last two nights and while they are only dreams with perhaps no real life significance, I am still mentally connected to them and they are on my mind.
What is odd is how much the Lane thing came out of left field. I haven’t been thinking about him. I do not want him back. I would really like to move on to a place where I am not still haunted. But that does not seem to be my lot.
Perhaps he has become representational. Perhaps Lane stands for my trials and failures at relationshiping. Perhaps I am being reminded that I still have more work to do...perhaps the work I need to do will help bring about this great new idea that I am going to birth shortly...
Perhaps it is all hooey. Just my crazy mind overthinking even when I am supposed to be resting.
Have you ever wanted to take a vacation...from yourself?
I think I am kind of there. I have really enjoyed being at home but spending so much time with myself has gotten to be a little much. I think I now know how others might feel when they are forced to spend large amounts of time with me.
Whatever the meaning, I will let you know when I put it all together...or not. That is the best thing about dreams - they are always subject to revision later and have new meaning as life unfolds.
So I arrive awake on this fine Tuesday with my screen door open, the cool breeze flowing into my bedroom with the sound of all the birds waking up. I am glad they are not in an aviary. I am happy that they are wild and free. Which reminds me of a quote by my favorite, Cheryl Strayed...
Imagine how wild it was, to let it be.
So I begin a new day with the intention of letting it all be...the dreams, the thoughts about the dreams, the doubts, the insecurities, the fear, the heartache that can still find me even when I am sleeping. I am just going to let it all be today. I know, welcome to my wild and crazy life.
