Day 236 - Leaving it there...
Ok, admittedly this is not something that I am good at. Leaving anything...there. I seem to need to say that one more thing. To keep talking when I have already communicated my message, well, several times. Leaving it there is not my strong suit.
Sometimes I can hear myself still talking when I am well aware of the fact that my ego is the only one still talking and usually listening. I think words from me are barriers to intimacy. I use words, lots and lots of words to keep you away from me. If you are dating me, it is hard to kiss me when I am talking. If you are trying to get to know me, it is easy to keep you away by using words to keep the dialog going but steering it away from me, often by talking about me. Which seems silly but effective. I have learned that the surest way to see someone’s insecurity, is to see how much they talk about themselves...the more they do, the less secure they are.
Secure people talk about lots of other things besides themselves. Secure people can risk being interested in you.
I continue to be perplexed by why intimacy feels so hard. Why it pains me to be vulnerable. Why I can’t just stop and look at you and allow you to do the same. What is it about me that finds this exchange so hard to do?
I am thinking partly that I am forever not content with leaving anything there. I always seem to want more. More conversation, stuff, people, love, attention, affection, food, things...more. More is always better until it isn’t.
Right now in my life, I am working on more with less. I am watching my old habitual ways where I exit my life by allowing the quest for more to enter and then not engaging fully. Just watching...watching me grasp and yearn and pull people, situations and things toward me. It is almost like I have used beings and things as a barrier to intimacy. You can’t get close to me because I have all this stuff and beings surrounding me. I can’t move toward you because I have brought so much shit into my orbit that I am surrounded by a sea of stuff.
I keep writing about this because I am really trying to sort it through. I am really trying to see where I am in all of this. It seems like forever since I had an intimate relationship. Like forever since I felt simpatico with another being. Which isn’t true. I have an intimacy with my family, my kids, The Tribe, friends. I am really only lacking in the romance department and I have turned that over and am, well leaving it there. I am not the best person to select whom I should date. I have a long list of people that I thought were great, which history has showed me were not. Teachers for sure, but many for repeated lessons that I should have learned a long time ago.
Today I am operating on the just allow anyone entrance. Allow anyone to walk into my life and not grasp or cling or demand anything from them. Just let them be and see what happens. It is interesting to do and experience...I often feel like there is some sort of revolving door and I am very unsure what it and they all mean. Still I am absolutely sure that leaving the door open wide is part of my journey. I am not a good gate keeper to my life as I have this amazing ability to keep the ones out that I should let in, and keep the ones in that I should let out. So I have turned its all over and am not in charge of that anymore. I am really trying to love without strings or conditions and honor the people as they come, as they are.
So I am really working on leaving it there. Door open. Heart open. Mouth shut. Who knew that could be so fucking hard. I am struggling over here with less. I am trying but I have this mind that won’t shut up and, at the same time, won’t give up. So I go around and around and around.
So for today, I am going to leave it there. Practice stopping before I go around again. Leaving it and you with just this honest desire to connect. To see you, me and all the world as it is. To love anyway, always. And now I am really going to leave it there.