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Day 237 - We Are All Mad Here...

FUCK. Yep that is where I am today. Fuck it! All of it. I do not understand people. I do not understand people who kneel on other human being’s necks until they are dead. I do not understand men that are not willing to take a short drive to spend time with a woman who has her shit together. I do not understand humanity at all right now. And I am really, really trying.

I am horrified about what happened in Minneapolis. And I am terrified at what is going to happen now. I am so sad. Sad at the inhumanity of people. People who see others as the enemy regardless of what side of the racial lines they fall. I can understand why they feel that way. But I wonder where we are all going to end up when we can’t see past the differences and see that we are all human first. We all need food, shelter, water, air, love, companionship, meaningful purpose, friends. WE ALL NEED THESE THINGS! We all can be hurt, maimed, killed. Our time on this earth is brief. We leave a legacy - why aren’t people more concerned about how they are in this world? What legacy they are leaving...

I do not understand men at all. I am just going to leave that there...a new practice for me. I am just putting it out there. I am again, disappointed and I am trying very hard not to allow that disappointment to color everything else. I am trying, somewhat unsuccessfully, to not allow recent experiences to be thrown onto the pile of past experiences and allow that heap to harden into conviction and belief. I am fucking trying.

I know that we are all grasping...the world has changed and we are all kind of freaking out. Whether we can admit it or not...

I, for the most part, have really gone within during this time. Soul searching and looking at the world with fresh eyes. I am taking it all in and working on developing a new concept for my life and its meaning. I am trying to see all people and allow them to exist as they are, without me adding or demanding anything else from them. It is hard work and I am flailing today.

I feel like we are all getting to experience “what if we all went crazy at once?” It is happening. It isn’t all that pretty.

I am horrified at our lack of leadership where name calling counts as leadership. I am horrified at how we treat each other. I am horrified that despite a strong desire to connect, I still completely fail. I am just feeling raw and done. I just want to stop feeling. I want to turn it off but I can’t. Because I know that not feeling only makes it worse. I want to check out or numb out or spend money I don’t have buying shit that I don’t need. I want to run or scream or sleep all day. I want to do something, anything to get me out of my head.

But, while I would get temporary relief, I would still wake up, stop screaming or running and there I would be, right there. Fuck.

So I write instead. I try to put it all down on the screen, a mental bleeding off of my emotional turmoil at my inability to understand humanity. I am concerned. I am confused. I am disheartened. I feel powerless to do anything except despair today. So I am going to despair like a motherfucker. I am going to give despair all I have got. I am going to despair like my life depends upon it because I do not want to harden my old habitual responses, I want to create new pathways in my life that grant me access to parts of myself and you that I have heretofore not been able to experience. I want to go deeper. I want to work harder. I want to see more clearly. And when it is all said and done, I want to find a home for the love that I feel for everyone, everywhere. I want to find a place or a person that can contain all this love in my heart that is so often misguided and misplaced. I want to come home to sit within myself and love anyway...always.

So today I will take my disheartened ass to work. I will try to keep her in line and not let her spill her disheartedness all over everyone. I will try to keep it in check. I am going to fail but I will still try. I am going to just admit that I am lost today on a variety of levels. I am so fucking lost and sad and a bit despondent...which is super inconvenient when all I want to do is feel good. Sometimes, all you can do is try...and fail and try again. Not really how I want to spend the day, but it is where I am. I am mad. Here. My apologies in advance for spilling my disheartedness all over your shoes...

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