Day 274 - A Relational Path...
Ok, I am off the self pity pot today...back on the spiritual beam as they say. I had a nice 4th anyway.
I am still on my marriage/love kick...
Going back to this idea of personal love and a lifetime commitment, I am struck by how many people want this and how many people fall short.
Why is this so hard for us?
We all have them and they all get triggered. I heard someone say yesterday this most amazing prayer:
“God, please help me learn new thoughts and ideas about myself so that I may heal the wounds created in my childhood by people who were sick and not capable of giving me what I needed.”
I have come to see all of us adults running around attempting to heal the wounds created in childhood, but most of us having no idea what those wounds actually are or how to go about really healing them. We just have these ideas and feelings and then we go about trying to get them satisfied by others when we don’t even understand them ourselves. The disappointment is often bitter when the other person flails about and further wounds us. But how could it really be any different?
So I have come up with the following format or framework to obtain this personal love that everyone seems to want but has such a hard time finding:
1. Address your shit.
2. Dig deeper and do more. It happened a long time ago and it is going to take some time to address it and come to know it well.
3. Be willing to continue to do this for the rest of your life.
4. Figure out what kind of marriage/partnership you want and then do not allow yourself to become involved in anything else.
5. Be honest about what you want and refocus yourself toward someone who can actually meet you where you are.
6. Fuck potential. Do not fall in love with potential, your own or others. Be honest about who you are and when other people tell you who they are BELIEVE THEM!
7. Find a way to address the wound(s) and be willing to continue to see how it/they are going to make appearances in your life. Do not blame the other person for your shit. It is your wound and your responsibility to heal it.
8. Be willing to talk openly and honestly about your own wound and create a safe space for someone else to do the same. Do not engage with people who will not address their own wounds. They are not your people and you will NEVER have a satisfying personal love relationship with these people. Let them go.
9. Stop believing it can be otherwise.
10. Find a way to love yourself even if you have a lot of wounds and those wounds have caused you to act out in some pretty maladaptive ways. Be willing to continue to look to see where you are acting out again.
11. Be mindful of how you show up in your life and how your wound(s) accompany you.
12. Be willing to give yourself some grace.
13. Practice giving grace to yourself and others...every day.
14. Come to see the relationship as THE spiritual path.
15. Select a partner that is willing to do the same.
16. Both of you make an earnest and heartfelt commitment to working on the relationship and your wounds together.
17. Seek help when the going gets hard...easy tip? It is always going to get hard...
18. Be willing to break your own heart over and over and over again.
19. Stay. When it is hard or painful or gut wrenching. Be a person who stays because you have selected a person who will do the same.
20. Create a loving, supportive personal love relationship with another person and practice loving yourself and them more every day.
I really wanted it to be 12 steps but I think 20 is really the number.
Simple but very hard to do. However, I believe that if I practice this, I can and will achieve my desired result. I am on 15 right now while still working on the previous 14. It is a lifetime process and today I am ok with that. Even if I never get beyond 15, I am willing to keep trying.
Who wants to join me?
Come on, I know it is going to be painful. But isn’t the way you are currently doing relationships painful also?
Let’s try something new, together.
I think I am going to start a meeting...who is in? Seriously...wherever you are on the above path...join me?