Day 275 - Am I the Only One?
Sometimes it feels like I am the only one out here struggling. I know that isn’t true but I feel like I worry and think about relationships more than other people and it is this fact alone that makes me less relationshipable. Like am I making too big a deal about it? Maybe if I could just relax then perhaps...Fuck if I know.
All I do know is that it seems so hard to drop into a relationship with someone. To have all of my issues and idiosyncrasies meld with those of another. Somedays, today might be one of those days, it seems impossible. That I am forever destined to walk the path alone. Moving through life like some sort of costume change scenario except trying partners on, one after the other until I am dead. Pretty cheery, huh? Happy Monday!
As bad as that sounds, I am not despondent about it. Realizing that I am not really in control of any of it. I am just responsible for continuing to try to be the best me I can be and doing my best to make being in a relationship the goal. I think for me, working towards self actualization gets distracted by the bright and shiny promise of true love. I think that the individual work I am supposed to do the path and the loving relationship the goal. I really think that it is all pretty much the same...it is called living and loving.
I know that I am not alone. All one has to do is type in love on Amazon and there are hundreds of books about finding it, maintaining it, changing it, letting it go, keeping it real, spicing it up. Why is love that is such a free thing so hard to hold on to?
Why do we are human beings have such a hard time with love?
It is what makes it all worthwhile and it is what helps us feel grounded and connected to others. Love in a word is interconnectedness. It is an interdependence that provides a stability and affirmation that we are not alone. For those of us who have a hard time in this area, I think the terms are sometimes super hard.
So I return to the path that I mentioned yesterday. Finding a partner that is willing to meet you on the path. I have gone at this in a scattershot manner, I have been calculating. I have completely given up all hope. None of those methods are satisfying. Because they are all me directed. I have to stop trying to control the outcome and just allow the universe to direct me where I am supposed to go with whomever walks into my life.
Selecting a partner should be a fun process not a life crushing task. For me, it involves allowing time to get to know someone really well while evaluating their treatment of me and their willingness to show up in my life while watching my habitual response of giving more than taking. It is a juggling, balancing act for sure! It can also be totally and completely exhausting!
So with step 20 so close, step 15 seems like an easy step but let me tell you it is not. It is hard to allow time, it is hard to not feel alone. It is very hard for me to not feel afraid and want to run back into my solitude which has become quite comfortable. It is hard to be willing to show up and allow things to happen. It is hard to be willing to be disappointed. But I think, I am pretty sure, that love exists on the other side of disillusionment...I must push through my own disgust, disappointment and pain to get beyond my own pain and loss and dismay. That perhaps, love waits patiently on the other side.