Yesterday I had one of my blogs read back to me. It was hard to hear. So much venom. I didn’t realize it until I heard my words read back to me by another. I didn’t hear it when I wrote it or read it aloud to someone else. But when someone who was affected by my words read them back to me the impact was great and embarrassing.
In the conversation that followed, I was introduced to a new concept of relationship occurring only in the present. That the only way to have any kind of spiritual relationship was in the present. That allowing my present relationships to be fraught with emotions and injuries from the past is hurtful and I was left with the question as to why I would allow that?
I didn’t really have an answer. I am embarrassed to admit that I thought to myself that perhaps someday another might help me heal the wounds of the past. And I realized as I went to bed last night that that fact and that one alone has dogged me in every relationship I have ever had. And suddenly I realized how unfair it was...to me, to them, to the whole loving idea of a relationship. How can anyone help me heal something that they had nothing to do with causing in the first place? Why would they try?
It was a struggle to stay in the conversation last night. It was hard and scary and frustrating and painful. But I did it because I want to change and grow and do things differently and I am more committed to that than I am to clinging to my pride.
It was a really good look at myself and to be honest, I really did not like what I saw. But I did see it and while every part of me wanted to turn away and stop looking, I knew that I had to see it and had to just allow this new truth to be there and not run.
I am struggling with this new concept of presence in relationship. That I get to make a decision about whether I want to live in the now or the past or future. Now being the only place where I can really relate to another in a loving way. What do I want to choose?
Choosing something new is scary not because I don’t like the proposed outcome but because I am unsure of the results. I am constantly and consistently amazed at how much I will pick the familiar over the new even if I completely hate the known.
I am so grateful to the person who had the strength to read me back my own words, not in a mean spirited way but in an effort to communicate with me and show me what he saw. I didn’t see it but I do now. I am sorry that I spewed such vitriol and pain all over. I guess I have been doing that for a long time and I did it so well and for so long that it had become invisible in my life. Thank you for having the courage to show me.
I don’t have any words of wisdom today. No path through except to say that I am willing to see it today. I am willing to address it. But first I have to sit with it and let it soak in. Let it permeate me and then trace it back to its origin so I can heal it and let it go.
In the meantime I can and will sit with my feelings of embarrassment. I will allow myself a little grace for being less than who I want to be. I will accept that the lesson being presented is happening for me, not to me. I will be grateful to my teacher for calling me out and moving towards instead of away from...thank you. I think I have been waiting for that reaction for a very long time. It was your forward movement that caused me to pay attention and become willing to do it differently. Namaste, my friend. Namaste.
