Day 283 - Demoralized...
Yep. I am there and more than a little bit pissy...
The Governor of California closed the state down again and I am having a very hard time accepting it. I don’t want the world closed down again. I want to live life. I want to move forward. I want the virus to be gone. I want the world back to the way it was before. I want what I want and I really am struggling to find some peace or equanimity with his decision.
But at the very same time, I do not want people to die or be sick. I do not want to die or be sick. I do not want anyone I care about to die or get sick. I really, really, really do not want that.
So here I am demoralized that I can’t get what I want and am stuck with accepting something I do not like.
It is such a hard thing...I wish we would have never reopened to begin with...why can’t we all just take care of each other and do what is best for the most people? I would have been willing to stay at home for longer and curtailed my outings for longer if that could have prevented this new shutdown. It feels like this is harder than just remaining at home to begin with...
I am worried about businesses and the economy. I am worried about my friends whose livelihoods are dependent upon people gathering together face to face. I have a friend who is a hair stylist and she cried all day yesterday with the shutdown. She has a new baby and her husband works in large concert venues so he has not been back to work at all. What the hell are they supposed to do?
I am finding it hard to get to a place of acceptance because I don’t like this. I am not enjoying this and I am worried about the economy as much as I am about people’s health. These issues are interdependent and it isn't about placing money over health...if we lose our ability to earn a living, our health is going to suffer also. However, if we are dead, earning a living seems a distant second...
So today I am just demoralized. I am sad. I am frustrated and I am struggling to gain some acceptance around it all.
I am also finding it hard to wear a mask outside. I don’t want to. I am able to but I don’t want to. I am away on business right now and everyone is wearing masks even outside here. I cannot find the willingness to do that. We are outside and I am staying way more than six feet away from everyone. I am willing to wear them inside and in close quarters but I am really rebelling at wearing them just to walk outside in a park.
Then I feel like such an asshole because there are people everywhere that have to wear them all damn day...every day. The medical workers, the checkers at Vons, the clerks at stores. They have been doing it for months and have no choice. As usual, I have the privilege of choice and am being kind of an ass about it. I am totally being self centered and selfish. I see it. I do but I am still, even with the realization, having a hard time coughing up the willingness to change it. Sigh.
So here is where I will be today. Sitting on the fence which is a very uncomfortable place to sit. I do not want to hurt anyone or anything. Hell, I relocate spiders. I really, really do not want to harm anything and have aligned my life with those principles and try to stay very true to them. But I also want to resume life. I want to work and see people and talk to people in person.
So I am just going to admit where I am and surrender to Gavin. I can rail against his orders all day and bitch and moan and commiserate. But I am just going to practice surrender and trust that this is all happening for a reason. I am just not going to mind what happens and try to be curious about it. Every time my mind goes back to the place where I am thinking, "I know better" or that I am frustrated, I am going to use that as a cue to be curious about why I feel this way and return to not minding what is happening. I believe that if I can focus on that, I can find a little peace and perhaps that peace can be shared with others so that we all may experience a little grace in this most uncertain and hard time.
It is my sincere and honest desire to not cause harm and to be of service to whomever is presented to me. So I will start with being honest about how I feel, I will be openminded about my feelings and try not to mind what is happening and find willingness to just do the next indicated thing even if I think it is stupid or wrong or I don’t like it. I offer all of this up so that you may also find some peace today. That is my most sincere wish for everyone, no exceptions, that we all wake up to our reality and be able to find some peace regardless of whether we like it or not.
Namaste...perhaps now more than ever.