Ok, not a very sexy title today...
Sometimes I wake up thinking about what I am going to write. There are days when I wake up and I realize that my mind has already begun the writing process. I have paragraphs in my head just waiting for me to hurry up, wake up and get them onto the screen. Then there are days, like today, where I wake up feeling blank. Wondering, “what the fuck am I going to write about today?”
Sometimes I feel arrogant in writing. Like “why do I keep doing this? Writing shit and then putting it out there for people to read. Why do I think that what I have to say is important enough to share?”
See sometimes my head and I are not on good terms and it isn’t even 5:30 am on a Sunday yet...(see what I am up against on the daily?)
I seem to be on a jag about worth so we will head that way again today...
I believe humans' highest good is achieved when they are able to love, be loved, share, contribute, give and receive. When any one of the above gets curtailed or damaged, then the whole human suffers and as a result so does everyone else in relation to that person.
One of the hardest things for me is staying right sized. Seems my head is always trying to make me think that I am worse than or better than. Like I am walking through life making these assessments all the damn time. I will claim some progress here because I do not do this nearly as much as I used to. I think I have a fairly accurate self image most of the time. I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses. Sometimes though my ego gets addressed and that causes my head to throw up major projections of better than or worse than as the situation demands. Usually, (but not always) I see through it pretty quickly and I attempt to alter course back to some semblance of humility.
Writing has been an exercise in humility for me. I have been writing since I was 9. Seriously, I have kept a journal since I was 9. Of course, I rarely shared that with anyone and no one ever read it to my knowledge. Well, I did have a live in boyfriend that decided reading it would be a great idea. Joke was on him because he did not like what he read and he quickly became an ex-boyfriend for violating my privacy and trust.
Writing was something I did for me, not you. Writing was personal, private and just for myself. I still can’t believe that I am posting this shit everyday and letting you into my inner sanctum. I am equally amazed that any of you read my ramblings!
Why do I write and publish?
Why do you read it?
I share what I write because writing allows me access to a better, more authentic version of myself. When you are standing in front of me and we are talking, I feel the need to hide. I sometimes want to actually run away. Sometimes I just want to tell you things that make you think I am cooler than I am. Sometimes I outright lie in order to gain your approval. Sometimes I am not even really there, I have wholly left the conversation despite my continued presence.
When I am writing, it is like I am given a reprieve from my constant hiding. I have the freedom to say what I think and feel because you are not right there in front of me and any judgment from you will come later and doesn’t feel as oppressive and scary as the in person kind.
Why do you read it?
I have no idea. I think because some of you love me. Well, I know this is true. Others of you, I am not sure at all. My ego wants to believe that I have some really important, life altering shit to say. My alter ego, when it is done cringing from my ego’s beliefs, doubts I should continue to put my thoughts out there and basically wants to apologize for my existence and bothering you with these pesky thoughts.
See here we are back at worthiness again.
One of my favorite authors Cheryl Strayed says this:
You can’t fake the core. The truth that lives there will eventually win out. It’s a god we must obey, a force that brings us all inevitably to our knees. It asks eternally: will you do it now or will you do it later?
This is why I write. When I am not writing, I am faking the core. I lose touch with who I am. I lose touch with what you want and really expect from me. Writing for me is the way that I figure out who I am and then have some relatively safe method to communicate that to you. It was always something that I would do later until earlier this year when I decided to do it now. I decided to share. To give and receive through writing. Maybe one day, I will feel more able to do this kind of intimacy in person. For now, writing is what I have got. And writing, has given me a method of communication with myself and then in turn you. I come to know myself better through writing. I come to understand that if I am this way or that way, maybe you are too. That makes me feel more a part of rather than isolated and alone. That makes me feel like I have value because I see your value. I share the core to create a space for you to share yours back with me.
Like everything in life, writing, connecting, loving, giving, receiving, sharing is a process designed to bring us closer to each other. For me, apparently, I have to do all of those things for myself first before I have a prayer of being able to do them with you.
