Day 307 - Sliding Into Home...
We are home!
13 hours of driving to make it home last night. It was great to be home and take my goats for a walk. Simple thing but so satisfying.
Both my daughter and I felt the same, as soon as we turned around in Oregon, we just wanted to get home. The adventure stopped as soon as home became the destination. Kinda sad but true.
I really enjoyed my time untethered from home and my life. I enjoyed the freedom the open road provides. No one to really be accountable to, no commitments or constraints. I needed it. I crave it still.
At home I am so much more locked down and demanding. It is like home is this place where I am a warden or prison guard. Meticulously perseverating over every detail in some sort of inspection or prison cell toss. I look at everything with this critical eye and nothing less than perfection will do. It is draining...yet I can’t seem to stop it.
I returned home last night and my mother and Maria went to great lengths to put my home back together for me. But all I could see was how much there was left to do. I started feeling super overwhelmed by it all and then the asshole version of me started to appear. I don’t like her, no one does, yet she keeps showing up and I keep letting her stay.
Last night though, I could feel the irritation and overwhelm building. I was instantly sad that home was a place of responsibility and demand instead of comfort and care. I could only see what needed to be done instead of appreciating how much had already been done. I could feel myself spiraling up. I hated myself for it but couldn’t stop it...but then I did.
Hey, asshole, you are doing it again! You are home to this beautiful place that you have worked so hard on making look like this. You are missing the beauty because you are focusing on the stuff that is wrong instead of right. STOP IT!
There is so much to do! I am overwhelmed! I have to put everything back and then clean the RV and the house needs to be cleaned and, and, and...
Ok, but not tonight. You just drove 13 hours straight on the 5 freeway. You are tired and hungry and road weary. Go to bed.
It will all be here tomorrow and you will be a better version of you...
Ok, stop right now! Think about how your parents came over here and gave you their time to put your kitchen back together. Think about how Maria came over yesterday and worked on it some more. Think about how Gabrielle showed up and cleaned the floors for you. Really think about this...these people cared about you enough that they were willing to give up their time to come do something for you! Would you have wanted to do what they did if the situation was reversed? Wouldn’t there have been like a million other things that you would have rathered done than put someone else’s kitchen back together?
Ummmm, yes (very sheepishly because I know with 100% certainty that I would have wanted to do almost anything else...)
Just go to bed. You are tired and you are not good when you are tired. In fact, you are an asshole that causes damage to those about you...and right now those about you are your animals and daughter...the absolute last people on earth who you want to do damage to...also yourself, you do damage to yourself. You do not have it in you right now to create the conditions for connection, only disconnection. So just please stop and go to bed.
And so I washed my face and went to bed leaving it all undone and a mess (newsflash it wasn’t a mess to anyone but me).
As I slid into my bed, I was immensely grateful to my parents, Maria and Gabrielle for giving their time and making my re-entry smoother. I clearly saw that the only person that made it hard was me and my expectations that no one, not even me, can meet.
So I slid into home and waited for the call at the plate...safe or out. I actually got both last night, I got safe by going out. Who knew one could have both and in that have it all?