Day 327 - Things Not Meant For Me...
We all have them. Things that we have tried repeatedly that just don’t seem to be for us. This is, of course, always changing and one never knows when something long not for you, could become yours. This is why people say that hope is sometimes a ruthless bitch.
Hope is the thing that keeps you going but when facing things that are not meant for you, hope can be a dangerous thing.
Things that I know are not meant for me:
All of the above things, are things that I did or tried or mostly overdid, and have become convinced that they are not meant for me. And I have accepted all of those pretty well, except sugar and caffeine and running. I keep beating my head against the wall on those. Perhaps someday I will learn. The other things on this list, were hard to give up but I somehow became convinced that I cannot do them, enjoy them in any kind of moderation. And stubborn insistence to have them in my life, basically takes away every last chance of having a decent life.
The list of things that I am kinda beginning to feel are not for me, but I keep still hoping that it is different:
A man that wants to be my partner, that I want to partner with...
A flat stomach
It is that middle one that makes me crazy. I don’t know why this is so hard. Why is it so hard to find a partner that I want to partner with? I feel like I have been working on this my whole life and really don’t feel like I have made any progress. Hope here kills me because it just keeps forcing me to keep trying when the evidence to the contrary is pretty overwhelming...just stop already kiddo. And I do, then I start hoping again and there is the vicious cycle that I cannot seem to leave behind.
The Mansbatical is coming to an end shortly and I will share all the things I have learned along the way. And that has been A LOT! I am so grateful for this past year where I remained uncommitted. Where I put my life first and focused on unfucking myself rather than becoming entangled in some one else’s issues and getting lost. I have held true to that and that is not nothing.
What I know more than anything else, is that I never know what is not meant for me and I likewise never want to accept that...I didn’t know that drinking was killing me, right up until the point where it almost did. What I learned through this experience is that I am often the last to know why. I am not a successful drinker. Bad things happen and I am pretty much an asshole. But I didn’t know that for a long time and I kept trying, the only thing that ultimately saved me was a moment of grace followed by my own continued willingness to surrender...repeatedly. This is how I became convinced that drinking was not meant for me...daily surrenders until one day I could see that my life was better, I was better without drinking in my life. Then I stopped wishing for it to be different. Through the process of repeated surrender, I learned to accept that my life without booze is better than my life with it...and I got on about the business of living life sans booze. No regrets.
I am trying, somewhat unsuccessfully, to apply this same principle to love and dating. I often pick the wrong guy, the wrong time and allow myself to become less than honest to save the relationship. I have cut large parts of myself off in the name of relationshiping and that has served no one including myself. I have worked diligently to become honest, accountable and authentic in this skin but that seems to only serve as a greater bar to intimacy rather than an invitation. Somedays it is hard not to feel sad about this.
But I had this moment of clarity the other day, which I have been surrendering to ever since. I am going to keep this just for myself for now, because it feels too personal to share in this forum, at least right now. But I am going to try to apply what I have learned so far and surrender daily to this new idea. Every day, just surrender to it and accept that in this moment, everything is exactly the way that it should be and I will find no peace until I accept everything in my life as being exactly the way that it is supposed to be, to include being alone, sans partner.
This process does bring me comfort. It does help me to heal and allow and love and grow and see that there is more to life than only striving for those things that are just out of reach. And none of us, not one single person, knows whether the grasping for things just out of our reach is folly or fortune. We only come to know that after often spending a lifetime chasing things that were not meant for us.
Not being able to tell, that what we strive for is helping us or killing us, is the human dilemma. We think we need something, so we set about going after it, only to, far too often find, that that thing we thought we wanted, only brings more pain and sorrow.
So I can have the wisdom to see that whatever is not here is not meant for me TODAY. Tomorrow is another deal and I need to waste no moment of the now, pining away for what has not yet arrived. It may never come, but that only robs me of the preciousness of now, if I let it. Who knows whether I will ever experience wealth, commitment or have a flat tummy. I do know that my insistence that I need these things to be happy only makes me miserable right now.
What I know with 100% certainty, is that in this day, I have all that I need and if I can make that what I want, I find instant contentment with the life I have. I can accept the things that are not meant for me, I can move on and allow those things that fail to land near me, on me and within me, as ghost ships that hold a booty, but one that is not for me, not now.
There are so many things in this life that aren’t meant for me, and on the whole that has been a very good thing. I can see the merit I have in this world and I can be of service to those about me. There are so many fates worse than my own, and just the thought of this makes me wince at my self pitying clawing for the stuff I mention above.
But I committed to being honest, and that means that I have to be willing to show you the whole person. The self pitying, selfish and self-centered me that sometimes thinks that she deserves way more than she has, while totally missing how very much she has already been given.
Today, I am going to do my best to be grateful for all the things in my life that are meant for me: love of people I love, the ability to earn a decent living to support my family, the respect and admiration of my friends and colleagues, a simple but sometimes hard life that really is charmed no matter how I look at it, health, sobriety, and finally a sense of knowing that I am exactly where I am supposed to be even if I think that should be somewhere else.
Today, I am going to give accepting those people, places and things that show up in front of me, the time, energy and effort they are due. They are here and meant for me in this moment, I will not waste one second of their time ignoring them and pining for that which is not here. I have wasted enough time doing that, so I will just let go...
What comes, allow
What leaves, let go
What remains, let in
What isn't here, don't worry about...it is just not meant for you.