Day 334 - Cause I Gotta Have Faith...
'Cause I gotta have faith
Ooh, I gotta have faith
Because I gotta have faith, faith, faith
I gotta have faith, faith, faith
Woke up this morning with this song in my head...I thought, hmmm great topic for today!
Faith was something that lacked...except a constant and abiding feeling that things were going to suck. I had this story that I picked up or created or started when I was younger that I, Erin, could not have what I wanted. That other people got what they wanted and I got something less than what I wanted. Now, this story was not really true, it was true sometimes. But mostly it was fabricated by incidents and moments where I did in fact not get what I wanted. So I wrote out a script that said, “Everyone else is worthy of getting what they want, you are not.”
And I ran with it. I peddled it everywhere. It went before me in all that I did and all that I lived. I had this faith that no matter what, I could not and would not get what I really wanted...
Being a little more mature now and having done a shit-ton of work on myself, I can see that what was really going on is that I was being saved from my heart’s desires that were wanting something that was going to make me miserable. Amazing how I can look back at my life and review and see that every single one of those things that I desperately wanted, in retrospective, would have held me back, stunted my growth or killed me. I can see that and appreciate that what happened to me was really happening for me. And it was my immature attitude that prevented me from seeing it at the time.
My faith has changed. I no longer feel like I can’t have what I want and that is only for other people. I do realize now that I still often want something that is not good for me. Look at how long it took me to let go of Lane...so fucking long. Totally not meant for me and today I am grateful for his absence. But that took me three years to arrive at a place where I am so incredibly grateful for all he taught me, painful as it was. I am a better me because of the love I shared with him. And my life is richer because of it. But, in the end, he was not meant for me.
Today I have faith that all that is supposed to happen will. I don’t always believe it at the time but I am capable of acting on it even when I don’t feel it or can’t see it. And this to me is faith in action. I can see that moving forward is happening and that my higher good is always at the core of my life.
What I think I have given up with the story is the struggle. Life doesn’t feel like such a struggle anymore. This pervasive story that I used to carry around heavy and tiresome. It is hard walking around with yourself carrying a grudge that weighs on you. Now, I think about how many things I missed because I was so married to my story of how nothing ever works out for me. What I can see now is that self pity is a great eliminator, clearing a path for me to be miserable when lots of conditions for joy exist all around me. I miss the joy because I have my nose in the story. And that particular story sucks...not my life.
I have faith that I am going to have joy and pain and love and hurt and happiness and contentment and heartbreak...just like everyone else. I will have my moments in the sun where everything feels amazing and is wonderful. Then I will take my turn in the shade where I am scared, lonely, tired, hurt and feeling like I am treading water and about to go under. It cannot be any other way, this is life. No matter how worthy you might be, all of us take our turn in the shitstorm.
Here is what I have learned about shitstorms, they do not last. They come and they go and the best way to not get all messed up in them is to just let them happen. Let things fall apart if they are. I mean, I can shore them up if I can, I am supposed to do the work. However, I can also see when stuff is going down and I am just supposed to stand there and let it.
Today I have faith that I already have everything I want. Because I have created a space in my life for me. I am ok no matter what because I have come to love the life that I am living regardless of what is happening on the outside.
Oh, there are still things that I want, sometimes quite desperately, however today I have faith that what is meant for me will manifest and I can not get so worked up about it. My real work is to go after those things that I want wholeheartedly but when they don’t work out, to just allow it all to fall away. Faith has given me the ability to just allow, get out of the ring and stop taking life on the chin.
I have faith that I will have a life that is good and amazing because I already do. Nothing need be added here. I am 100% ok with how it is right now. There are still things that I want but I feel like I have made amazing progress in wanting what I have. Today my relationships are clean, my work dedicated, my family intact, my friendships deep and meaningful. I have purpose and meaning and generally like the skin I am living in. I spend far less time in want and a great deal more time in gratitude which has become the fertile ground for faith. I have learned that it is hard for faith to grow in want. Want just breeds more want. Gratitude and appreciation for what I already have brings faith.
I am super grateful that I can trust what is meant for me will come. And that which is not meant for me, will not no matter how much I wish it to be different. I feel like I have finally arrived at a place where this knowledge is wisdom, meaning I can actually apply it to my life. Faith has become the rope I grab onto in the dark as the river opens up to the ocean, I am not lost, because I can hold tight to faith that what has always been will always be. And that is that I am ok right where I am even if my head tells me I should be elsewhere.