Day 335 - Strange Mental Blank Spots...
You know those places where you know what the right thing to do is, but you don’t seem to have the ability to do the right thing? These blank spots come in and obliterate all that you know to be true. Eclipsing what is right and true, while at the same time providing for something extraordinary to happen.
I have had a lot of these in my life. A lot! Sometimes resulting in a downward spiral to the bottom. Other times, these blank spots rob me of what I think I know to be true and give me access to parts of myself that I did not know before.
I am learning that everything and everyone in this life is a teacher. Each moment the perfect instructor for how I am broken, on track, misguided and right where I am supposed to be.
I feel like I am completely adrift in life and for the first time, my lack of answers and knowledge are completely ok. They are good, this absence of knowing is a good thing. It releases me from all that I think I know. And that has historically been for my higher good.
I am grateful for my willingness to walk into the blades today. To be unafraid of being hurt and more afraid of hurting someone else. Seems like the tide has finally turned where I am willing to deal with my selfishness on a new level that is full of honesty and accountability.
Oh, I still screw it up. I still behave in ways that I wish I hadn’t. I still clasp things and people to me when I know they are not mine to keep. But I have learned to also, when the grabbing is done, let go. I know today that I needn’t clutch things to my chest and cling desperately to them anymore. Each person, place or thing, comes in its own perfect timing even when the timing is all wrong...or at least that is the way it appears. I no longer insist that the universe give me what I want, because I no longer know what that even is...I have all that I need and more. So no need to hold on tight to things that are not meant for me.
These strange mental blank spots have kicked my ass good over the years but lately they have become much friendlier. I am able to sense their presence and notice that they will cover over reason and logic with emotion. And that is not an entirely bad thing.
Things that used to baffle me, do not any longer. I am confident that I know the way, even when I am engulfed in a blank spot where my knowledge of what comes next, or what is right or what I know to be true is occluded by a baser nature which demands something else from me entirely.
It is a long damn life and I have screwed it up as often as I have gotten it right. Today, I am all good with that. I have my own back and hold dear the life that I have and all the lovely people in it. This feeling of being led, divinely guided, leads me back to me every single time. And I can see now that it has always been this way. I have come to trust in the path, hold dear to my core and trust that what is meant for me will always come and that which is not will always go. My only option is to just allow all the beautifulness to float in and out while ever being mindful that strange mental blank spots have been my undoing as well as my salvation. I can rely on the great falling apart and coming together that creates the ebb and flow to life. I no longer need to swim against the tide...instead, I can just relax in the surf and enjoy the ever changing view that this crazy, amazing, beautifully interesting life provides...