Day 351 - Unmanageability
Well this week has kinda blown.
My friend died Thursday, my daughter’s horse is in the hospital hanging somewhere between life and death, there are about 400 other things that I have brought on myself that are also swirling the drain, I am tired and feel like life is just metal on metal. I want to just go to bed...for like a month.
I have also realized that my abysmal failure of an actual Mansbatical is an issue. One that I do not really know what to do with other than just admit it. The rule of fucked up - when you do it, or are it - admit it and then stop it.
I am fucking trying.
So my life is totally unmanageable right now. And there is nothing I can really do about it except admit it and try to just allow it all to happen and unfold and trust that it is all happening for some divine purpose that I am not smart enough to know.
Here is what I do know for sure...
There have been so many times that I have been sure that whatever is happening to me is the WORST thing that could ever happen to me! And often times, even if they turned out to be hard, difficult, painful and sometimes dire, none of them lasted...they all gave way to something else..eventually.
And so will all of this...
The pain I feel over Alan’s passing will fade into a loving fondness that continues to enrich my life and hold me up in times of sadness. I will never be without my memory of his wry smile and laughter. He will be with me every time I am lucky enough to see live music played, view a photograph or practice my life on the path. He is forever even though he is gone.
The angst I feel over Eclipse and her medical condition and the fuck ton of money that it can and will cost me pales in comparison to the sadness in my child’s eyes as she watches from the sidelines as I hold her beloved horse’s life in my hands. Do I pay the money for a surgery or do I end her life? I get to be God on this one and guess what? It sucks...I actually feel for God, I never, ever want to be the arbiter of some other being’s fate. I am not equipped for this as a mere mortal and so I suffer when I try to make the Divine, mine.
All of the bullshit I have been espousing over the past few months about dating and not dating and love and spirituality and the like, can be summed up with the following:
I have no fucking clue what I am doing or talking about.
So I have to remember that I started this whole blog with a sincere desire just to share the pain, the confusion, the places where I fuck it up and the places where I try to make it right. I did not promise myself or anyone else that I would have anything to offer. Sometimes I am a warning, not an example.
Here is where I have landed after an exhausting week:
I am selfish
I am inconsiderate
I am dishonest
Even though I am trying really, really, really hard to not be any of those things. Sadly, I am.
Right now the best I can do is to say that I do not have it. Life is spinning out of control and I am tired of trying to manage it all and failing...again. So I am going to stop. I am going to trust that all of this is happening for someone’s higher good, maybe even mine.
By admitting that I am selfish, dishonest and inconsiderate, I am hoping to let that land and sink in so that I may start over in this moment, cleaner and better and less likely to behave in ways that hurt others and myself.
If you have been in the wake of my recent self destruction, I am sorry. I am sorry if my selfishness, inconsideration and dishonesty has hurt you...seriously. I mean it. I humbly ask for your forgiveness and promise to continue to try even though I know I am going to fail again, likely in like five minutes.
The unmanageability of my life teaches me this one simple and true thing:
I cannot control the outcome, the players or even my attitude. I can only control my resolute and blind following of the footsteps of others on the path. I know that if I do what they did, I will, someday, walk where they have walked. Until then, I will trudge and tell you when it hurts. Today it hurts.