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Day 354 - Here is Hoping...

Have you ever wanted something so badly you couldn’t think of anything else?


Ever been so singled minded in your focus and attention that you end up in a place that you never dreamed you'd be?

I have. I have chased a lot of things in my life. Sure that they would bring lasting happiness, contentment and peace. Usually they didn’t pan out...usually I just got a lesson that I needed but really didn’t want at all.


Hope is a dangerous thing. It has caused me to stay when I should have gone and gone when I should have stayed. I can honestly say that hope has created some pretty hostile conditions for me at times.


Why?


Hope is something that is built on the future. It is not now oriented...unless you are super spiritual then perhaps you can use hope to stay only in the present.


Usually hope is an optimistic state of mind that is based on an expectation of positive outcomes with respect to events and circumstances in one's life or the world at large. Totally future tripping.


And that fact right there is why it has always and forever kicked my ass. It belies the present. All of my behavior becomes motivated towards achieving this future state and I ignore the information and data I am getting about right here and now.


I miss signs that someone is lying to me because I am hopeful that in some future situation they are a better version of themselves.

I allow situations that do not comport with my belief system to exist in my life because I am hopeful that one day they will change.


I agree to do relationships with people that are less than satisfactory because I hope that someday they will be different or better.


Hope can be a real asskicker!


However, without hope, where would I be? I would never have had enough motivation to get sober if I didn’t believe, despite all the germaine evidence to the contrary at the time, that things would and could change.

I would not have ever left my marriage if I didn’t believe and hope that I could have a different life, one that allowed me to be a whole person.


I would have never moved back to California if I didn’t have hope that I could be a single mom and give my kids a good life.


In short, without hope, I wouldn’t have done or do half the shit that I do. So life without hope would be kind of pointless.


However, I have to see where I am on the hope continuum. If I allow myself to be orbiting the lunatic fringe of hope, I miss important information that allows me to see that whatever I am hoping for is folly. I allow hope to rewrite facts. I allow hope to give me some other dialogue other than truth to get me across some imaginary finish line.


So like so many things in life, I need to seek balance. Aim for the middle of delusional thinking and complete defeat. I am screwed if I maintain a course that is pie in the sky and has taken its leave from any kind of reality based thinking. I am never going to get out of bed every day if I believe that there is no point to anything...ever.


As always, I struggle to be right sized. I lack humility and that is at the heart of why I allow myself to circle the delusional drain with hope. I cannot see that I am demanding more than my share. I cannot see that I am allowing want and desire to morph me into someone or something that I do not believe in.


I am not perfect. And the whole of my life has been about getting it wrong, repeatedly, and in so doing, making a sincere desire to get it righter.


I have to live my life allowing for the lessons to come and teach me what I do not really want to know. And that is and always has been that I can do better...I will do better...well, at least I hope so.




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