I am still struggling a couple of days later not to take down the Astray with Strays post and the one about the nooner guy. While the motives are different the reason is the same: I am super uncomfortable being vulnerable.
My life experiences have led me to the emotional conclusion that being vulnerable sucks. Once upon a time, I was vulnerable like a kid and someone took advantage of that. Like a lot of women with that kind of past, there were more of those traumas to come. It is like predators could see my victimization and it was a beacon. I had to grow a lot tougher to survive. I had to harden. It was the only way. Or at least it seemed.
My reasons for wanting to take down the nooner post is that he asked to read the blog. I haven’t sent him the link yet but if he took the time to search my name, he will find NRT. It is out there. In cyberspace. For anyone who stumbles across it. Now, I want to take it down solely because of my ego. I do not want him to think certain things about me. So I want to try to manage his thoughts and expectations by censoring information he might come across. Really I didn’t send him the link despite his requests because I did not want to be vulnerable.
I had no idea when I started this last January that it would require so much of me. I didn’t know how fucking terrifying it would be to put my writing out there. If I am honest, if it wasn’t for the support of my Tribe, mom and my friend John I would have quit. I would not have kept going.
Which leads me back to being vulnerable. I have always wanted to be real and authentic and to find someone who values those things also. What I have found is a lot of people with a lot of issues they are not talking about. I mean at all. Even when those issues are totally fucking up their lives. It is like they have this huge blindspot in their lives that unless address is going to continue to cause them to live a half lived life.
It is kind of like yesterday on my way to the spa in LA - my friend and I are driving in the car, singing from the playlist I made her to honor the end of her own mansbatical, when I pass this McLaren. Which is funny that I passed the McLaren. So we are singing and I realize that I want to take the 405 (which is something I try to avoid at all costs). So I have to change lanes. Well, I begin to do so right as the McLaren is on my right - right in my blindspot. It is too low for me to see and I almost take out the most expensive car on the freeway. After we successfully make our lane change without killing the people in the McLaren, my girlfriend and I laugh. I say, “Today’s Lane changes are sponsored by McLaren”. We laughed about that all afternoon.
This is what I see humans doing in their lives. Desperately wanting to change lanes, not seeing the McLaren value issues in their lives, almost addressing them but swerving and missing the issue completely then continuing to change lanes. Issue avoided.
So for today, I have to address what is on the underside of not wanting to be vulnerable. Fear. Plain, old simple fear. I am afraid that nooner guy is going to think I am a nut job. I am afraid all of you are going to think my sharing all of this shit makes me weird, nuts and psychotic. I am afraid of what you think of me because I am having a hard time owning my path. Which is so weird because I am usually a pretty good path owner - if I believe in something then I do it. Vegetarianism - I have been doing that since I was 13 despite many people attempting to convert me. I have had a lot of judgment cast my way about this particular issue but historically, I haven’t given two fucks about that. No fucks given. Why? Because I have integrated that into who I am. It is part of me. I believe in it. It is a conviction.
This whole “share your life, thoughts and writing with anyone who will read them online” thing is newer and harder and feels a lot less safe than the “no food with a face” thing. Why is it so easy for me to not care at all what you think about me on one topic but then on another it is as if you hold my future in your hands? Why the difference?
I am who I am. What you think about me doesn’t really change me. Any changes I make for you are usually sort lived, full of resentment and anything but authentic. It is hard to be me when I am unsure where you stand on me because I think I have some say so. I have my masterful powers of manipulation to make you see what I want you to see. We all do. No one leads with “Hey, nice to meet you - I am a recovering alcoholic, veggie person with a lot of fucked up trauma in my past - what is your name?” Too much information - too soon. This would be why I haven’t sent him the link. It is also because I would like a little more time to just be a little less known. And I am still struggling with the whole mansbatical commitment. I said a year - and look how much I have failed already.
Truth is that I have never really asked for what I needed. I did not communicate what I thought and felt. I held it back and processed it alone then devised my “cover” or rather my plausible explanation that explained the behavior in the light most favorable to me. In the instant case, I want to control all of you, including nooner guy, so that my ego and heart can stay intact. I can be safe.
Well, I am already safe. Sharing this with you takes a lot of courage, I am not going to lie. But sharing this is the only avenue I have come up with that allows me to be really me. I need you to hold me accountable for being true, deep, honest and authentic. Without you, I am whoever I tell myself I am. Truth is that I am making a much bigger deal out of myself in my head while projecting an image for all of you. Writing this and sharing this, allows me to be who I am really. Fuck ups, mistakes, ego driven shitshows and all. The entire person. All of me. Which I believe is every person’s task in this life. Take the life you are given and then live the motherfucking shit out of it. Be brave. Be bold. Be you. Even when you want to hide and are afraid they won’t like you. Doing all of the above in the face of rejection, is brave, it is bold, it is what I am trying to accomplish here. And that my friends is very vulnerable. Almost as vulnerable as a $1,000,000 car on an LA freeway.
