Have you ever woke up just being tired...tired of being you? Well, that is where I am this morning. I am just exhausting myself. My mind in hyper overdrive. But there is nothing to be done about this - I just have to accept it. I cannot change the fact that I have a head that thinks...a lot. I mean all the time. My head is the producer of thoughts, schemes, grand ideas, and work arounds. This is what it seems that my head thinks it was made for. It is fantastic at producing options, alternatives and ideas. This makes my mind a wonderful, creative problem solver. Do you know what it is not? Fucking able to let go easily.
My mind is like a dog with a bone. It gets the bone (idea) and then chews on the bone (thought) until there is nothing left. Gums bloody, couch stained with blood until the bone (idea) has been literally masticated out of existence. Like the dog, I will resist all efforts to have the bone (idea) taken away. I will run away with it. I will take it outside and look for a good hiding place. I had a dog once (a small one) who would get a treat and then take it to a corner and “bury” it under imaginary ground. He would move his nose over it as if there was real dirt for cover. It was hilarious to watch. It was also kind of sad because he would prance away with smug satisfaction and then the other dog would go eat his treat.
Ok, maybe I am getting lost in the metaphor.
My point is that when my mind latches onto an idea, belief, thought it has a hard time letting go. My mind locks on like a fighter pilot locks on to a target. I get something in my scope and then WHAM I am locked on and we are going to blow the shit out of something.
As you can see, this is not an easy way to live life. It is hard. It is exhausting. It is not particularly spiritual.
Funny to me that I developed like this. Why such a hard grip on life? Why do I believe that the appropriate response to something is to think it to death? Wouldn’t life be so much easier (and enjoyable) if I could be more passive, less directed and in charge?
When I was new in being sober, a friend once said to me, “Erin, you are a head banger.”
My immediate thought “She so gets me”
Her next comment, “I think you are always going to be a head banger”
Ok, that was not where I thought she was going with this.
Her final comment? “It might not hurt so much if you backed up from the wall."
Ouchie.
But I knew that she got me. She knew that I was going to continue the behavior - over thinking, over analyzing. But perhaps if I could back up just a bit - get a little distance from the issue, perhaps I could alleviate some of the injury.
This is what I have been working on for 25 years. Seriously.
I have spent the past 25 years trying to create space. Back up. Make room. Take a step back. Give myself a little thought respite - air it out a bit.
The struggle is real.
You would think that having a head that is really good at thinking thoughts could just create new thoughts that could supplant the old ones. But, no, that is not how it works. It is as if my head is a major league hitter and every new, more pleasant thought a ball. My head just keeps smashing the shit out of every pitch. Like a mental Barry Bonds. That ball is outta here!
Also like a good major league hitter, my head is very adept at getting nailed by the deleterious thoughts. They come at me 105 miles an hour and I am whacked up side the head.
As a major league thought hitter, I have also become more adept at letting the inconsequential thoughts just pass right by. The ones that have no gravitas, just step aside and let the catcher grab that one.
This analogy would be great if I felt like I had more say so in which thoughts get rocketed out of the park, which ones are side stepped and which ones nail me. But I feel like I am only marginally in control here. I feel more like a cyborg Barry Bonds where I am there doing the work but some other foreign entity is calling the plays.
So it stands to reason that I have hard time sometimes discerning which thoughts have depth and weight and which ones are pure folly. This is where others come in. I am in constant need of a thought babysitter. Someone that can help me makes sense of all the head banging, bricks-in-the-dryer thoughts that meander through my mind all fucking day. It is kinda scary and loud in here; I often feel that I need a tour guide or at least a sherpa to help me navigate my own thoughts and mind for all of our protection.
Sometimes I wish that I was not so thinky. I could be more of a call them as I see them person, leaving out all the microanalysis. But that is not my forte. That is something that I have had to try to develop over time. This seemingly lofty ambition to let shit go. To trust that whatever it is that I think should be here or should not be here is only a thought. Reality much more real and concrete and wholly not oriented toward what I want and desire.
I had a friend that used to say “reality always wins”. Fuck, I hated when he said that. It was such a brutal reminder that I keep resisting and what I resist, persists. Letting go, loosening my grip, all skills I have had to learn mostly by not letting go and getting dragged. Which kinda sucks, kinda hurts and is not really all that productive.
Which led to my current daily mantra:
What comes, allow
What leaves, let go
Super easy words, very fucking hard.
So I think today I am going to skip the ballpark and sit this one out. I am just going to kick off this hump day with a Ferris Bueller like day pass. I might attend a game but I am just going to sit in the stands and watch...well, unless I feel like singing in a parade. Today, I will participate in my life but remind myself to:
Relax
Don’t struggle
Take it Easy
And, lighten the fuck up...this whole life thing is supposed to be fun. Now, if someone could just let my head know that...
