Day 40: Forgiveness, Redemption & An "A" Game.
What if I forgave myself?
What if I forgave myself even though I had done some things I shouldn't?
What if I was sorry, but if I could go back in time I wouldn't do anything different from what I'd done?
What if yes was the right answer instead of no?
What if all those things I shouldn't have done were what got me here?
What if I was never redeemed?
What if I already was?
This has been my process and my ultimate conclusion. What else could I conclude? Every single thing that has happened to me has led me right here to this moment. If one tiny thing changed from my past, it is likely that this current moment would be different because I would be different.
I have done a lot of things I shouldn't. On the continuum of good and bad, I likely hover mostly around the middle. Not death row or war crime tribunal material but certainly not ever going to be considered for a nobel prize, sainthood or the like.
There are things I am sorry I have done. Cheating on my ex-fiance. Yelling at my kids. Not being a better friend and daughter. Allowing certain people to stay in my life way too long, while not allowing others more access.
I am also sorry for the things I haven't done. Playing with my kids more when they were young instead of doing the dishes or cleaning the house. Giving more. Telling those I love how very much they mean. Committing to writing. Being less afraid.
But on the whole, I wouldn't do it differently. I couldn't have done it differently. I have given it my best every day and this is where I am. Better off then some, worse than others. There has not been one day of my life that I got up and thought, "Ya know, I am not going to bring my A game today. I am going to phone in an F day." Not.one.time. I have gotten up every day of the last 49 years and given it my best. Some days that has been amazing and other days you would be sure that I really committed to the F game day. Regardless of how it turned out, I have always tried my best. The only real difference is my success rate.
I have had occasion lately to reflect a lot (I know, sorry, but you are going to keep getting drug along on my reflection if you keep reading) and what I have realized is that in looking back over my life there have been no events that I can characterize as mistakes. Not one. Well that whole decision to cut my bangs - never a good decision. But save the whole bang debacle, no bad decisions. Every single decision critical to getting me to this exact place in time where I can say my life is pretty damn good. While there will always be things that I want (flatter stomach, a Tesla, to go to Bali) there is nothing that I require. I need nothing. I have everything one can ask for in this life: health, nutrition, affection, love, meaningful work, purpose, joy, friendship. Now I may not have enough of any of the above to satisfy my ego...or as I like to call her - the deep and vacuous pit of need. She is insatiable. There will never be enough of anything to make her happy.
But me, ego cast aside, I have enough of everything. And I always have. If that isn't redemption, then I don't know what is.