Day 55 - Man Bans, Control Issues & Surfing
I am not sure what to do about the man ban. I have totally broke it. I have been seeing Nooner guy (we worked out all of the issues surrounding nooners and second dates). Turns out he is a good guy and a nice person...
But what about me?
Where am I in all of this?
I am struggling to keep my center. I keep thinking that I need to decide things. I am telling myself and my friends that nooner is just for fun but that seems pretty awful to say about another person. I would not like him saying that about me. He is a person and regardless of what he wants and is ready for - that doesn’t just make him for fun.
I guess what I want more than anything else is to be open. To be free to decide as it comes. This is incredibly difficult for me. I want to be more laid back and open but my need to control everything and everyone is such a hard default. Such a hard line to cross and a burden to overcome.
I have been here many, many times. Presented with a guy that is right on some levels but not on others. I have historically chosen to to ignore the things about this other person and proceeded throwing caution to the wind. I am 50 now and not going to do that anymore.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I am taking everything a day at a time. I need to break this all down to the moment. There is too much to balance otherwise.
I do not know if nooner guy is a good fit for me. Which leads me to want to jump the gun - either discard him or jump in further. Seems that the whole of my life has been at this juncture. My ability to just hang in the unknown marginalized and unattainable. When I feel emotionally uncomfortable, I engage in black and white thinking which leads me to a conclusion. One that may or may not have been coming anyway.
I am going to do something different this time. I am going to stay open. I am going to just allow whatever is supposed to unfold to come. I do not know whether or not this man or any other is really a worthy partner. I do not know if I even want a partner. I do not know if I want to let someone in again. I do not know that I ever want to offer up my heart. If I am honest, I am still smarting from the last time.
Just for today, he is just a man whose life has touched mine. I need make no further decisions. No further demands upon myself and him. We can just let it unfold. I can practice holding my center, figuring out what I want and asking for what I need. I can sit with my desire to muddy the waters, complicate this and blow it sky high. I can see how I am broken and love those parts of myself as much as I love the parts of me that are hyper functional. I can not let myself get lost in the minutia of my life.
So I am going to continue writing and counting the days even though I have kind of blown the whole year off without dating. My intention when I started this whole deal was to learn who I was and I am still working on that goal. Not dating turns out not to be the best way to find out who you are in relation to dating companions. That type of growth is more theoretical and valuable in its own right, but just not as hands on as dating real people in real time. When you are in the trenches, nothing is theoretical. Everything is on the table and all issues are addressed in real time.
I will quote (paraphrase) my fellow Tribe member Badass here:
“Remember when I was alone sitting on the couch eating ice cream? Remember how I told you I am great at relationships? Well, I was wrong. Turns out I am really good at thinking I am really good at relationships. Now that I am actually in one, I realize that I suck at relationships. I am much better at believing I am great at them while sitting alone on the couch. When they are real, turns out it is a lot harder and demands more from me than I realize...which is why I suck at them.”
Yep, exactly. It is kind of like watching a lot of surf videos on your couch. You can even stand on a board in your living room. You can read a ton of surfing books and magazines. You can subscribe to blogs and study all the best surf spots in the world. You can buy all the best surfing gear. You can go to the gym to build the perfect surfing body. You can make friends with like minded people who love to do what you love to do - surf. However, until you put your board in the water, paddle out and catch that first wave, you are only preparing to surf - not really surfing at all. Once you are on that wave (and only then) can you really say you are surfing.
So I guess I have my board in the water, I have paddled out and am riding that first wave. Like all surfers I know, I am praying for a good, long ride that doesn’t end with me getting pounded into the surf. Reward doesn’t come without risk. Every “wave” I catch has the potential to take me out. That is just surfing. And so with surfing so with dating. I can sit on the shore and think about surfing or I can get in the water, get wet and ride the wave. For now, I am going to focus on the current wave I am riding and see what happens. Paying close attention to all that I am learning in real time. I am going to remember that I get to live this life. I get to do each day. Ride each wave. It is really up to me.