I love the no expectations! I love feeling free!
Weird to say but people are starting to notice. People are commenting about how happy I am. Such a strange thing. Seems all I had to do was surrender. Surrender my will to couple. Seems like I have been on the couple path for so long with a lot of drama and trauma but not a lot to show for it. Feels good to be on this new non-couple path. It is important to note that I am not on the "I am taking a break to get ready for the next relationship path" I am on the "I am alone and there may never be another relationship for me path". Important distinction.
I took eight months off from dating last year but that was really not dating at the problem rather than enjoying my life. I was licking my wounds and trying to heal from the heartbreak. I needed time to grieve and refused to take a hostage. But if I am honest, the whole time I was alone I was doing it so that I would be ready for the next guy. Even more, I was doing it to get the new guy. Like my forced time off somehow guaranteed me the perfect relationship when the alone time was over. It never occurred to me that the alone time might never be over...
Now I sit in contemplation of that fact daily. This might be the beginning of the end for me. I might never partner again. That brings up a lot of feelings for me. It hits at the core of something broken in me. It makes me afraid. However, I have to say that I have never truly owned my own life. I was living my life in relief of a partner. I was just doing me until HE came along. Then we would build this amazing life together...what a waste of time that endeavor proved to be.
So here I am alone, living my life. I am surrendering on a daily basis the idea that I will ever be the part of a couple that builds a life together again. I am just here living the life that is in front of me one day at a time. I am content with all that I have been given. I am enjoying what I am learning and healing what I am able. I am not thinking that a man or a relationship is going to save me anymore. It won't make me a more worthwhile person or woman either. That has always been an inside job. One that I have mistaken for years to be something one can get from the external.
Life is not always easy and does not always afford us everything our heart desires. Sometimes we fight the good fight and lose. Today, I am ok with that. I gave all that I had to someone who didn't ultimately want it. Somehow, that loss freed me to find a new path that has nothing to do with a conventional relationship. It freed me from feeling tethered to this idea that I am nothing without someone to love. Truth is that my life is full of people I love...a lot. I now have time to love them better, more fully and deeper...this includes me. I have time to love me. Perhaps four decades late to this particular party...but at least I am finally here. And, on the whole I am fucking loving it. So for today, I love being single!
