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Day 89 - Fear, Ego & Fireplaces

I woke up at 5 am this morning afraid. Afraid of finances. Afraid of my life. It seems to come without explanation. I go along for so long and then, WHAM, I am terrified. Nothing really different from the day before. Just scared. It usually starts with something, afraid of a conversation, financial uncertainty, losing something I have or not getting something that I want. The reasons for the fear are varied and multiple. It is an eddy I am all too familiar with....

This causes my mind to launch itself into hyperoverdrive...usually. I find myself worrying as if the fact that my mind obsesses about something I will have the power to change it. The sheer fact of overthinking enough to alter the course.

I do not like being in this place. I much prefer when I feel less anxious and not afraid. But recently I have begun to see all of my feelings as teachers and less of “obey at all costs” kind of situation.

So I sit here in the dark of my hotel room in Moonstone Beach, the other beings here with me snoring contentedly in the light of the fireplace. I realize that in this moment, I am fine. There is nothing to do. Nowhere to go. Nothing I need. I am pretty sure right now that this is the way life if supposed to be.

I allow my brain to fully feel and think about what it is afraid of...I don’t try to push it away. I attempt to summon the courage to explore the fear more fully. I see myself want to check out and numb out and not want to face myself or the fear. I think to myself that I have been here a million times in my life. There is a curiosity present that has usually been absent.

What am I afraid of? Looking bad? And that is really it. I am not really afraid of whatever it is that is underneath the fear. I am mostly afraid of looking bad...to myself, to anyone. My fucking ego right there laughing at me. My ego’s defense when challenged is to always double down, up the ante so that I am further in than I would like to be.

I see that more than the consequences of any future action I am fearing, I am mostly afraid of the facade I project being pierced. Allowing others to see me as I am. Even though I have made so much progress in this area recently, I can see that as I sit here in the dark, fire lit room, that I will always have this to contend with, the ego wanting what it wants no matter what. There will never be easy regard when it comes to things that I fear. My ego will not allow it. Cannot stand for it.

Suddenly I am overtaken with a deep desire to go back to sleep. Tired from the mental machinations that awoke me too early for a vacation wake up time. So I will close the computer and allow myself to drift off...my ego and I are tired.

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