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Day 89 - Fear, Ego & Fireplaces

I woke up at 5 am this morning afraid. Afraid of finances. Afraid of my life. It seems to come without explanation. I go along for so long and then, WHAM, I am terrified. Nothing really different from the day before. Just scared. It usually starts with something, afraid of a conversation, financial uncertainty, losing something I have or not getting something that I want. The reasons for the fear are varied and multiple. It is an eddy I am all too familiar with....

This causes my mind to launch itself into hyperoverdrive...usually. I find myself worrying as if the fact that my mind obsesses about something I will have the power to change it. The sheer fact of overthinking enough to alter the course.

I do not like being in this place. I much prefer when I feel less anxious and not afraid. But recently I have begun to see all of my feelings as teachers and less of “obey at all costs” kind of situation.

So I sit here in the dark of my hotel room in Moonstone Beach, the other beings here with me snoring contentedly in the light of the fireplace. I realize that in this moment, I am fine. There is nothing to do. Nowhere to go. Nothing I need. I am pretty sure right now that this is the way life if supposed to be.

I allow my brain to fully feel and think about what it is afraid of...I don’t try to push it away. I attempt to summon the courage to explore the fear more fully. I see myself want to check out and numb out and not want to face myself or the fear. I think to myself that I have been here a million times in my life. There is a curiosity present that has usually been absent.

What am I afraid of? Looking bad? And that is really it. I am not really afraid of whatever it is that is underneath the fear. I am mostly afraid of looking myself, to anyone. My fucking ego right there laughing at me. My ego’s defense when challenged is to always double down, up the ante so that I am further in than I would like to be.

I see that more than the consequences of any future action I am fearing, I am mostly afraid of the facade I project being pierced. Allowing others to see me as I am. Even though I have made so much progress in this area recently, I can see that as I sit here in the dark, fire lit room, that I will always have this to contend with, the ego wanting what it wants no matter what. There will never be easy regard when it comes to things that I fear. My ego will not allow it. Cannot stand for it.

Suddenly I am overtaken with a deep desire to go back to sleep. Tired from the mental machinations that awoke me too early for a vacation wake up time. So I will close the computer and allow myself to drift ego and I are tired.

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