What the hell am I talking about now?
Lagom is the Swedish word for “just the right amount” or "just enough." And it occurs to me, as an alcoholic who appears to be born a quart low on just about everything, this idea of having “just the right amount” comes at a time and to a person, me, who has never really grasped the idea of enough. More is usually the goal, and if not more, less. Never just the right amount.
I think "just the right amount" is something I think other people have. It isn’t a status or state I easily or frequently access. Although I am getting better...slowly.
Once upon a time, I never even thought about anything but more and then less. More of everything I wanted like sex, booze, smokes, attention, money, praise, fame, etc. And I wanted less problems, fear, blame and insanity. Or I had a reaction to all the MORE I brought into my life and was overwhelmed and in need of immediate LESS! But it was beyond my thinking, or really ability to believe, there was a place where I could find something(s) in "just the right amount."
I have improved this trait, the ability to look at life and think, “This is good. This is enough.” But all too frequently still, I overshoot my mark because I am hellbent on getting more or find that I have too much but it is not the right kind so I have to try to get less, rapidly. It is exhausting this living on extremes. But for a long time, it was all I ever knew.
The older I get, the more I think I am beginning to settle into this contentment of “just the right amount.” Like I can have the actual experience of it. I can be living my life, doing what I do and have this awareness come over me that I have peace in "just the right amount", I have solitude in "just the right amount", I have love in "just the right amount." I still struggle in the clothes and shoes department. There I seem to never believe I have enough even though I have way more than any one woman should possess.
Progress not perfection as they say.
I am most grateful for the changes which have resulted in me finding "just the right amount" in anything. Once upon a time, I was incapable of anything but MORE and then overdoing it to the point I had to run away from all that I welcomed and added to my life. Today, I do have moments of Lagom...where I am content with who I am, where I am, how much of whatever I have and feel no need to change it, add or subtract from it, I can just be peaceful and content with having just the right amount of everything in my life.
It is a relief to not have to strive for more or work so hard to maintain it. I still have a great amount of work to do in this whole “just the right amount” aspect of living, but I can see the progress. And I am grateful, at least for this moment, to be happy and content with having “just the right amount” of everything in my life. Nothing to add, nothing to take away. Just contentment with it all being perfect just as it is.
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