Doing Something Rash...
Well, doing something rash about my rash. It has been weeks now. The doctors don’t know what to do, they just keep shooting me up with crap that works, temporarily. In the hang time in between shots, I just itch and fight back the symptoms with Benadryl and allergy meds and creams.
I am lucky I suppose...it isn’t really all that visible, unless you are right up on me, or happen to be close by when I am itching my face off. It is uncomfortable though and it is annoying and its persistence is becoming alarming. I mean, what is going on with me that my skin is so upset about?
I love Spring, but my skin apparently does not share my sentiments. I have resisted the urge to go online and diagnosis myself, since I am sure there is some sort of cancer somewhere out there that presents with a rash...and I am sure I will find that one and then I will spiral...so I haven’t gone there, except I kind of just did.
I was relieved to find out yesterday that your skin can actually be allergic to the pollen in the air. Like it isn’t something I am putting on, or ingesting, it could be something that is just floating around in the air and my skin is all pissed off about it.
I am grateful that it isn’t visible from space, like the superbloom that is likely causing my discomfort. I am grateful that it isn’t worse. I am grateful for vanity’s sake, that I don’t look worse than I do. But I am tiring of the itching and no respite.
I am more allergic the older I get. It is like my body has decided that it has had enough of this shit in my atmosphere. And is now all shaken up about it. One part angry body tirade, and the other emotional breakdown that is only evinced upon the canvas of my face, and neck.
I am grateful it isn’t worse, really. But like anything else one must endure, it presents me with challenges I do not want and obstacles I do not know how to surpass. Next steps? Biopsy which will tell me if it is something I am ingesting or something that is coming from the outside. Arrogantly, I just want it to go away and not have to deal with it or its attendant issues anymore.
And life is giving yet another lesson on the whole “you can’t just make what you want to happen, happen...” And like usual, I am just kind of over it and find myself raising two middle fingers at life, again, still. And life is just laughing me off per usual.
What I am working on seeing is that this is just my turn on the unsolvable health issue of the moment. Many have it far worse than I, and their suffering is exponentially greater. I am working towards finding gratitude for all the conditions I do not have, and all the ways that what I do have could be worse.
And I am making progress. I am praying to be relieved of my thoughts about it because they are what is actually making me suffer. The rash, really isn’t all that bad. But my reactions and thoughts about said rash, are well, quite rash and reactive.
And I guess I am settling in on the fact that perhaps it is just the only reaction one can have to a rash...to be rash and reactive. That is just the body as well as the mind’s response. Rash and reactive seem to be the place I am these days and, just for this day, I am just going to let it be. All my allergicness and all my rashness, and reactivity. It is all just ok. Nothing to do about it but accept that this too shall pass. And until it does, I have rail about it, yell, scream, itch and cry but none of that actually does anything to alleviate my symptoms or suffering, in fact, it likely makes it all worse.
So today I will show up for my guest appearance on a local divorce attorney’s show and I will do my best to look presentable, non-reactive and with my rashness in check, in all the ways one can think to use that analogy. I mean, everything in life seems to happen for a reason, and we are often, forever stymied as to what exactly that reason is...today’s work is accepting that which I do not understand in this moment, will become clearer, perhaps, on some other day that is not today.
Today I will load up on allergy meds, wash my face and show up for the life I have, even though I would really like my face to look better than it does. It just doesn’t and that is apparently ok with everyone except me...