I woke up writing this poem the other day. It was about 4 am and I became aware that my mind was active and writing...I was not all that excited about it to be honest. I was tired and wanted to sleep a little longer, but it was insistent in its message and so finally, after a good 30 minutes of attempting to evade the dream crafted poem, I relented and got up, opened up my computer and began...
I have left it alone since I wrote it...but today, after the events of yesterday, felt the need to work on it and finish it.
As with all poems, there is what I mean by what I wrote and what you interpret. I am not a poet, so be gentle in your critique...and please remember, I was half asleep...
I am not sure when you started
I am not sure you ever stopped
Life always throwing curve balls
Caused you to cut me off
I always allowed you back
After your repeated flees
Trying to remind you of your reason
Trying, quite desperately, with plaintive pleas.
But you had your ideas
And they never much matched mine
You ignored our pleas
And called your behavior benign
It started small, so it was hard to tell
Small untruths, tiny distances you placed between us and you
Until the only way you could hear us, was to yell
Left on your own
Your mind spiraled
You were down
Then you were up
I began to wonder what exactly was in that cup
I tried to be patient
I tried to understand
I tried to be loving
But the more I tried, the further you ran
And so I became a yoyo in your life
Thrown out
Pulled back
Hung in
Worn dry
I would commit to moving out of reach
But you were a master at bringing me back
With a plausible excuse
Or an outright lie
I never knew so I continued to try
Your mental state sharply declined
Mania moved you about
While depression held you still
The miles climbed
Like heavens hills
And with each assent
You, further out of reach
I tried to help
You refused to speak
Depression arrived
As it always does
What goes up
Must come down
You didn’t want to liveI
That broken my heart
I came running back
Desperate to fix all your lack
We made agreements
I asked for things
Never too much,
Just a couple things
You did at first
And then you didn’t
When I held you accountable
You acted unforgivable
I was at the gym
When you leveled the score
I answered still
You demanded space
You told me no
With words of contempt and oh so cold
You asked for the only thing I had left to give
Which was space for you to kill yourself once more
And just like that
It was over again
You over there
Me going within
To search for meaning
To seek out reason
To pray that you stop before leaving again
And I realized
Standing there
I was just the final reason
To drink over it all
So I walked home
Bereft and sad
Thinking of you
Woeing your fate
Your failure to see
Your resentment and hate
Eating you alive
Causing you to
One more time
Drink over it all
If you or someone you love is drinking themselves to death, there is help...Alanon Family Groups are available in pretty much every city. Alcoholism is a family disease...trust me, I know. There is help for you, even if the loved one drinking never finds help themselves, you can recover and in turn help others...
Watching someone you love continuously choose to drink and kill themselves, is painful. But there is hope. If I can ever be of assistance, please reach out. There are others who understand. We have been there in that place where everything you do is too much and doing nothing is more exhausting than doing everything else.
And for all those out there drinking over it all, know you are loved more than you can ever possibly know. And there is help available...but first you must give up the idea that you know anything about resolving your problem...that, in my experience, is the largest and most fatal barrier to recovery...you still think you know. And I guess you do, you are a master at finding reasons to drink over it all.
