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Drinking Over It All...

I woke up writing this poem the other day. It was about 4 am and I became aware that my mind was active and writing...I was not all that excited about it to be honest. I was tired and wanted to sleep a little longer, but it was insistent in its message and so finally, after a good 30 minutes of attempting to evade the dream crafted poem, I relented and got up, opened up my computer and began...

I have left it alone since I wrote it...but today, after the events of yesterday, felt the need to work on it and finish it.

As with all poems, there is what I mean by what I wrote and what you interpret. I am not a poet, so be gentle in your critique...and please remember, I was half asleep...

I am not sure when you started

I am not sure you ever stopped

Life always throwing curve balls

Caused you to cut me off

I always allowed you back

After your repeated flees

Trying to remind you of your reason

Trying, quite desperately, with plaintive pleas.

But you had your ideas

And they never much matched mine

You ignored our pleas

And called your behavior benign

It started small, so it was hard to tell

Small untruths, tiny distances you placed between us and you

Until the only way you could hear us, was to yell

Left on your own

Your mind spiraled

You were down

Then you were up

I began to wonder what exactly was in that cup

I tried to be patient

I tried to understand

I tried to be loving

But the more I tried, the further you ran

And so I became a yoyo in your life

Thrown out

Pulled back

Hung in

Worn dry

I would commit to moving out of reach

But you were a master at bringing me back

With a plausible excuse

Or an outright lie

I never knew so I continued to try

Your mental state sharply declined

Mania moved you about

While depression held you still

The miles climbed

Like heavens hills

And with each assent

You, further out of reach

I tried to help

You refused to speak

Depression arrived

As it always does

What goes up

Must come down

You didn’t want to liveI

That broken my heart

I came running back

Desperate to fix all your lack

We made agreements

I asked for things

Never too much,

Just a couple things

You did at first

And then you didn’t

When I held you accountable

You acted unforgivable

I was at the gym

When you leveled the score

I answered still

You demanded space

You told me no

With words of contempt and oh so cold

You asked for the only thing I had left to give

Which was space for you to kill yourself once more

And just like that

It was over again

You over there

Me going within

To search for meaning

To seek out reason

To pray that you stop before leaving again

And I realized

Standing there

I was just the final reason

To drink over it all

So I walked home

Bereft and sad

Thinking of you

Woeing your fate

Your failure to see

Your resentment and hate

Eating you alive

Causing you to

One more time

Drink over it all

If you or someone you love is drinking themselves to death, there is help...Alanon Family Groups are available in pretty much every city. Alcoholism is a family me, I know. There is help for you, even if the loved one drinking never finds help themselves, you can recover and in turn help others...

Watching someone you love continuously choose to drink and kill themselves, is painful. But there is hope. If I can ever be of assistance, please reach out. There are others who understand. We have been there in that place where everything you do is too much and doing nothing is more exhausting than doing everything else.

And for all those out there drinking over it all, know you are loved more than you can ever possibly know. And there is help available...but first you must give up the idea that you know anything about resolving your problem...that, in my experience, is the largest and most fatal barrier to still think you know. And I guess you do, you are a master at finding reasons to drink over it all.

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