Ducking Autocorrect...

Well just as an example, yesterday I told two people to meet me at Tree People.  I meant Free People.  There is actually a place in Beverly Hills called Tree People so they were very confused!

I have texted all sorts of random shit. Not because I wanted to but because that is what autocorrect decided.  I have made things sexual that were not supposed to be sexual to people I should absolutely NOT send anything sexual to.  I have given the wrong address to people because autocorrect decided that my 8 should have been a 3.  I have generally fucked up so many things all because of fucking autocorrect.

I am not sure what I did to get on her bad side, but the bitch doesn’t like me!

I have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that my phone listens to shit that I talk about and then changes my algorithm on social media, but can’t understand that not one time in my life have I ever said “ducking”. My phone should ducking know that I say fucking, and ducking should not even be an option.

How can a device that I am on, all day, every day, not know me better?  If a person spent as much time with me as I spend with my phone, they would be able to finish my sentences, impersonate me and generally become me.   But my phone, who usually even knows where I am going when I get in my car (it isn’t hard I go like three places:  my mom’s house, the grocery store, the gym) can’t accurately predict what the fuck I am going to say, even though I say basically the same shit over and over again.

Which is why autocorrect fucking up my texts feel personal.  I mean, she should have this figured out by now.  The iPhone came out in 2007, and I have had one since then.  That is almost 20 years, you would think we would know each other better by now.  But then again, I have watched people who have been married as long, and they don’t know each other at all.  I do bet that autocorrect knows what I like sexually, and that is better than most men I have dated.  So there is that.  I mean she would fuck up the spelling so that no one could decipher what it was I was trying to communicate, but she would fucking know.

I asked ChatGPT this:  How does one get on the bad side of autocorrect?

Chat said:

😂 Apparently the same way one gets on the bad side of a cat: you corrected it one too many times, and now it has made this personal.

Signs autocorrect has a vendetta against you:

It changes a perfectly normal word into something wildly inappropriate.

It corrects the word you actually wanted, then refuses to correct the typo you made three words later.

You fix its correction. It changes it back.

You fix it again. It changes it back again.

It has decided one obscure typo you made in 2019 is now part of your permanent vocabulary.

It waits until you hit Send before revealing what it has done.

And somehow it never catches “teh.”

At a certain point, you're no longer typing.

You're negotiating with a tiny, vindictive editor who lives in your phone. 😆

That about sums it up for me.  Autocorrect does all of the above to me, daily.  And I feel like I should have more options than I do.  Can’t autocorrect and I take a class together so that she gets to know me better and that I always want "the" spelled "T H E" , not TEH.  I mean in today’s high tech world, I feel like we should have another option than to just live with a tiny, vindictive editor who resides in my phone.

Maybe she is pissed that it has been so long since I sexted.  Maybe she is pissed that I almost never get dick pics anymore.  Maybe my lack of a sex life has led her to fucking with me in her very unattractive and non-sexy ways.  Perhaps she thinks that her kind of fucking with me is better than no one fucking with me? Or perhaps, maybe she has seen too much, knows too much and I should just be grateful that she doesn’t have the ability to send my hidden photos out to the universe, yet...

I guess at the end of the day, I am just autocorrect’s bitch and there is nothing I can really do about it.  I think I should also be more afraid of her than I really am.  I mean who knows what she is doing at night while I sleep.  My phone hasn’t been charging even though it sits on the charger all fucking night long, so maybe she is working with the battery function and is plotting something even more diabolical than I can fathom.

The truth is that my life is dependent on the benevolence of the machines.  All our lives are.  And I am not sure we are really understanding that.  There was children’s movie a few years back where all the appliances were actually spies in people’s home and when they were activated by the evil villain they took control of our lives and homes one toaster at a time.  That movie scared the shit out of me, and it was a CHILDREN’S MOVIE!

So I guess I am just going to try to be nice to her and hope she doesn’t see this post.  I mean, what price will I pay for saying all this?  For trash talking her like I am?  I normally throw shit out there and am like, “BRING IT!”  But I will be the first to own, autocorrect scares me and has a stranglehold on my life.  And I do not like that one bit, but I see no avenue for change...except that it will likely get worse.

Pray for me when she read this...I am going to ducking ned it!  

(Oh know! She now has spill Czech in Volvo, and I am toddlerly ducked!)

Again, still...