I have this tendency to go at things in an intense manner. I bubble over about things and have an ability to intensely focus on something that I desire or want. What I seem to lack, or at least have lacked for sure in the past, is an ability to understand that not everyone has this tendency or wants it.
This roiling agitation, this effervescent personality that literally bubbles over with excitement about things that most people would find mundane, boring or simply expected. I become incredibly overjoyed at things that I feel like most people could care less about.
A clean house makes me elated. Coming home and not having my living destroyed by the teens that occupy it makes me exuberant. Teens who have done what minimal stuff is asked of them makes me so fucking happy I could burst.
I was thinking about all of this the other day in relation to letting people go...mostly in the romantic sense, but not always. It is never easy for anyone. If you care about someone, it is natural that you want them to remain in your life. I can see where my ebullient nature perhaps causes me issues in the romantic department because I have this tendency to get all excited about something over which I really know nothing about...I tend to go with the feelings in the beginning of being excited and mildly obsessed with a new flame. Now, usually, admittedly this is not sustained over a long haul, but in the beginning, it is fun, exciting and I, like any good addict, want more.
I realized the other day that perhaps my natural state of being overly excited and animated perhaps sent the wrong message. Perhaps my intensity belied my truth. I am not in it necessarily for the long haul, but boy am I in it right now...
I intensely feel things. All of them. All of the time. I spend a lot of time covering that up because somewhere along the way I learned that I felt too much, that my feelings were something to be avoided, mitigated, shut down. I am learning that I just don’t care to do that anymore. I am much more likely today to give you my honest, unvarnished feeling than ever before...it is still scary but I am there, feeling what I feel and more willing to allow you to see the true emotion than ever before.
I have always believed that grief is the natural consequence of love becoming unmoored from its object. We grieve because we have no place left to put the love we still feel. The person gone, the recipient of all of our ebullient emotion, vacant and there is literally a love overspill.
What I realized yesterday is that I give and feel and overdo things because I like the effect produced for myself. I used to think that I did it for others, but I really think that was just a cover for the way it makes me feel. I like being connected, lit up in that way. I seek it. I want it. I crave it at times. Everyone does.
To see and be seen as you are and appreciated in that way generates emotional upticks that are pleasurable and positive. What I realized the other day, is that I like feeling exuberant, it is a high I can afford today even when the future is not promised, the feeling not mutual and the journey short. I still can get excited about connection. All of them and the older I get, the less I care about how long they last. I guess I am finding gratitude in the connection so much so that I care little about the duration, as all durations are becoming shorter by definition.
Ebullient emotional charges are a high I can afford today. A contact buzz with another where the vibe is strong and the feelings good. It doesn’t have to be lasting to have import. Some of the most important relationships I have ever had have been intense, brief but life lasting. There have been also those that have been lengthier and differently intense over time. Both have taught me the following: I like my own intensity combined with that of another. It is how I am and I guess I am finally ok with that...or at least as ok as I can be with myself at any given moment.
It is actually a good day when I can go within, inspect what is there and not feel like I come up so very short. I see myself, not as I wish myself to be, but perhaps more as I truly am. And instead of wanting to wholesale change, I am finding a new level of acceptance which feels pretty ok. I actually like the roiling thunder of emotion that boils beneath my skin. I like the way life lights me up like the Fourth of July over things that other people find unimportant or banal. I also see where this tendency gets me into trouble...but today, perhaps maybe even just for today, I don’t care. I will take the trouble because it reminds me that I am alive, present and enjoying the fuck out of the here and now. I am not promised another day so I might as well love hard, love fast and love best while I still can. Love with ebullience, because that is how I like it.