I am there...right there on the edge of myself. Being asked to do things in this new way is unmooring me from who I have always been to a lesser or greater degree. I am not enjoying this process...it is painful. To see so clearly how off base I have been. It is hard to write about and I am finding that writing every day is hard. I am so much in the change, that it is hard to write about anything else while at the same time, being in the middle of it so I don’t really have a good perspective.
But I can tell you that I feel on the edge. Not of the Grand Canyon getting ready to jump, but on the edge of me and how I have always lived my life. I kind of feel like the universe is sealioning me (look it up - it is a word that I did NOT create!). Egging me on just to provoke me to lose my shit. Oh, it feels like the universe is provoking me to get me moving and thinking, but really it is more aptly described as being provoked in a way and manner to bring out an argument that I do not wish to have...with myself.
I am in the hall. Walking up and down, visiting old behavior and issues and not really seeing the point of it all. I keep wandering into old familiar rooms but they no longer bring me relief, satisfaction or interest. All the things, I used to do to jolly myself, distract myself or delude myself are no longer working. This idea is so vexing to me that I can’t even see if there are any other doors that I haven’t tried...and there is a futility to all the doors anyway...they only bring temporary satisfaction...
Going to my edge, I hope is a good thing. New things to learn out here as I am pressed tightly up against myself. Not a lot of wiggle room out here on the edge. Just me, God and a whole lotta space to see how I am, what I am and how far off I am of who I used to be.
Who are you while you are in the dirt, growing into someone else. I feel as though I have been landed into some other person’s body and am walking around experiencing them as them while still being me. It is weird and unsettling.
Going to the edge is a thing. It has happened before. Life dealing me a set of circumstances that are frightening, overwhelming and new. I feel like a magician who keeps pulling tricks out of her bag to a bored audience of five year olds who are barely looking up from their devices any longer. I have lost their attention and so have been forced to review my own shtick. I, too, am bored.
I am hoping that life out here on the edge will reveal something new to me that I need to move forward in my life. I am hopeful that I will see something in a new way that allows me to move from the hallway. Who knew that one could be so on one’s edge when all one is really doing is wandering the hallways of their old behavior...
Apparently, one can reach an edge just while living life, nothing spectacular happening, grieving, loving, living and changing. Edge are tricky that way...deluding you into believing that if you just stay put you can be safe from harm, in the middle and not out on the edge, walking ever closer to the crevasse.
Edges and hallways seem incongruent. They feel irreconcilable...yet here I am in the hall and on the edge at the same time. Spoiler alert, hallway walking and edge defying seem to want to occur at 2:45 am on a Saturday...inconveniently.
But I guess, if I think back, this is where all of my growth has occurred. In the mundane hallway of my life, visiting and re-visiting rooms containing old behavior and getting pushed to an edge of some emotional front where I cannot do it the way I have always done it before. However, I have found that hallways and edges seem to be filled with gaps, places where there is just this dearth of knowledge. Requiring one to move forward on faith alone because the pathways and clear passage is muddied and unclear.
I have now mixed like five different metaphors and to that all I can say is “Yep, I feel like I am close to the edge in a mud soaked hallway, leaping from rock to rock, on a path that feels circuitous.” Oh, and my mind is sealioning me all the time too.
Hopefully this image conjures up just the right amount of crazy for you...I am now even more concerned about my mental health!
Welcome to my inner world...a place of incongruities, sea lions, hallways, edges and mud. Oh and I am cold...
I have no idea what the point of any of this is today. It is way too early to be up on a Saturday but here I am with all my swirling twitchiness...so I thought I would share...you are most welcome.
I would really like to go back to sleep. But I am up now and the coffee will soon kick in. I am going to go meditate and yoga and pray for some clarity about my life and current shitshow that exists only in my mind. And hopefully get a little peace that edges are here to teach me new things about things to which I think I already know everything. Sigh.
Hope you have a great Saturday that did not begin as early as mine did. Carpe diem...if only from the edge of who you are right now, while you are being transformed into what you are destined to be...Or whatever. I really haven’t a clue!
And to conclude, bring goldfish crackers and some rain boots, sealions love the crackers and the boots help with the muddy trail...
